Tim Hardaway Hates You

Exiled on Purpose

2009-10-08T00:31:00.003-05:00

Ahhh Cleveland 2007. What a great time to be an Ohio Native. The Browns have finally worked their way back to respectability behind the arm of young budding stars Derek Anderson, Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow. The Indians reach the playoffs behind a young talented nucleus of young pitchers C.C. Sabathia, Cliff Lee and Faustio Carmona. Most importantly the Cavaliers have resigned the next greatest basketball player, Lebron James, to a multi-year contract meaning that the Cavs will be known as a contender for the forseeable future. The hope is eternal, trees grow leaves in February, all is right in the universe for the first time in the history of Cleveland professional sports. Cleveland is relevant!

Fastforward to Cleveland 2009.

Depression is the only substitute for suicide in Cleveland. Over the past two seasons Cleveland has dealt away or destroyed their nucleus of young pitchers, trading Cy Young Award Winners C.C. Sabathia and Cliff Lee at the trade deadline in consecutive seasons. Meanwhile Faustio Carmona's big league pulse has almost completely flatlined. The Cavaliers have not been able to get over the hump and into the NBA Finals over the past two seasons so have brought in aging superstar Shaquille O'Neal to give it one last effort in what could very well be Lebron James's last year in a Cavalier uniform. And on top of it all the Browns have miraculously downgraded from a young football team on the verge of breaking out to purely a crappy team. The hope is gone, trees don't grow leaves in June, all is normal in the universe for the 7 billionth time in the history of Cleveland professional sports. Cleveland is irrelevant... again.

As seen above Cleveland has basically had their butts kicked over the past two years. Any sports fan who is not a complete frontrunner or a douchebag has to have the smallest amount of sympathy for a team that has been so heavily screwed by a combination of poor management decisions, crappy coaching and in the case of Lebron, not being New York or L.A. The only thing that Clevelandians, Clevelandites or Cleves have to hope for is that Lebron somehow decides to stick with his Ohio roots and resign with the Cavs after this season, almost guaranteeing that he will be in Cleveland for life. This would be the only way a Cleveland fan could take the past two seasons and not look back at it all as both an epic failure and a complete waste of time, money, energy and hope.

Then Braylon Edwards decides that he's gonna try to screw it all up.

As you may have heard by now Braylon Edwards, yes the Braylon Edwards superstar receiver for the 0-4 Cleveland Browns, decided to get in an altercation with a friend/promotor for Lebron James. Based on the quotes provided by Lebron, who was not present at the time, Edwards (6'3" 215lbs) took a swing at Lebron's friend Edward Givens (130lbs). Without much knowledge of the situation, we still have to assume one thing... Braylon is a tool. The altercation supposedly arose out of an argument between the two men, but it should have never excalated. In a normal situation, Braylon should have and probably would have never ever swung at the other guy. On top of it all, now he has to answer to King James and pray to God that this doesn't end Biggy and Tupac style. Lebron is gunning for Braylon, Braylon is an idiot.

Or maybe he is a genius...

After showing that he is disgruntled and making it known that he wanted to be traded all off-season, Cleveland held onto him based on the fact that talented young game-breaking receivers are not found on every street corner. On top of this they traded their only other explosive offensive player, Kellen Winslow, to Tampa Bay, making Edwards that much more valuable to the teams offensive plans. Braylon found himself stuck in Dog Pound Hell. He tried many other ways to get out of the situation from a 120 mph speeding ticket to letting more balls slip through his hand than Jenna Jameson over her career.

Stuck and desperate for a way out he researched any possibility for an escape from NF Hell.

The only answer came in the form of Lebron. As seen above, Cleveland has been screwed over exponentially for the past two seasons, and the only good thing their fans have to look forward to is Lebron MAYBE resigning with the Cavs and finishing out his career off the shores of Lake Erie. Cleveland will protect this hope by any means possible. This means that if Braylon can find a way to piss off Lebron, he may be shipped out of Cleveland faster than he could imagine. The mayor would pretty much demand that Braylon be exiled if an incident like this ever came to fruition.

The only thing left to do was to weigh the options of an assault charge + being a star in another NFL city to no assault charge + being a forgotten player in Cleveland. Braylon Edwards choose to risk Lebron leaving Cleveland or himself being Exiled.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME TO THE 3-1 NEW YORK JETS, THEIR NEWEST ADDITION, RECEIVER BRAYLON EDWARDS.

They say that most people who are geniuses are considered idiots by the people of their time. I would just like to be the one person that did not overlook the geniusness in Braylon Edwards actions. If hitting the guy meant getting out of a Cleveland Browns jersey, I would have hit him too.

Power Rankings Fail

2009-10-02T12:39:00.008-05:00

Although I'm going to try to sound slightly objective, the homer inside of me is going to be on full display. With that in mind I would like to explain how ESPN's NFL "analysts/experts/geniuses with mustaches" have so much hate for the Cowboys that it affects their ability to make an objective observation and ranking.

First of all, I know the Cowboys get more coverage than any other team. Yes they are given more primetime games than most other teams. Yes Jerry Jones is pretty insane and yes I do realize that Barry Sanders would have broken Walter Peyton's record in 5 seasons if he ran behind Dallas' O-line in the 90's.

That being said, if you are not a fan of the Cowboys, then you hate the Cowboys. There is no in between. Ask almost any football fan, the only thing that can always make a losing week enjoyable, is the Cowboys losing too. I don't mind it and I actually kind of enjoy being hated, but please at some point be objective. Especially if your job entails creating the Week 4 Power Rankings for ESPN.

Take a look at the season.

First the Cowboys two wins-

Take into account that both were against teams that have not won a game and are currently ranked 31st (Bucs) and 25th (Panthers).

Beating the Bucs, who have played absolutely dreadful this season, was expected. They fired their offensive coordinator 2 weeks before the start of the season, they have a rookie headcoach and they started the season with Byron Leftwich as their quarterback. Yes, the Cowboys started off slow that game, but then turned it on right before the second half and carried it over through the end of that game.

The Panthers are a different story, they are still a dangerous football team. Remember this is virtually the same team that went 8-0 at home last season and made the playoffs. They are 0-3 with 3 tough games to start the season (Eagles, Falcons, Cowboys). No cupcakes in that group as they combined for a 29-18-1 record last season. Before counting this game as an easy win lets see how they do in their next 4 games with Washington, Tampa, Buffalo and Arizona. As seen in game 1 the Cowboys started off slow in the first half (0 points) and then proceeded to step it up in the second half to win the game. On top of this the Panthers still had a couple opportunities had their receivers showed up. Delhomme's two picks were not his fault, just receivers running lazy routes, and then Muhammed pushed off on what would have been a long TD. End result, Cowboys win.

On to the big enchilada. The Giants game is the one that really has irked me. If you listened to the media after that game you would have assumed that the Cowboys lost 45-0, had no offensive production and couldn't stop the Giants defensively.

The fact is that the Cowboys turned the ball over 4 times. Tony Romo threw 3 interceptions, one of which was a flukey bounce when Witten tried to knock down an uncatchable ball. The Giants had a few crazy bounces, Manningham's td catch and Smith's catch on a tipped ball on 3rd and 5 just outside of field goal range. You could say that they Cowboy's played a very poor game even though they had rushed for over 200 yards.

YET, they lost to the Giants by a last-second field goal as time was running out. The Giants are ranked 3rd in the NFL Week 4 Power Rankings, while the Cowboys are ranked 17th. The lowest ranking for a team that has a winning record. I could understand the wide difference in the rankings if the Giants had another big win against teams who are in a much better standing but they're only wins are against the Redskins (who are "power ranked" lower than the Panthers) and the Bucs.

I am not saying the Cowboys should be ranked higher than Giants, I'm not even saying that the Cowboys should be ranked higher at all. All I am doing is wondering aloud why they are ranked so much lower (14 spots!) when they have beaten equally tough competition and only lost after turning the ball over 4 times and falling to a last second field goal. In an objective opinion, either the Giants should be ranked lower or the Cowboys ranked higher.

Any objective opinion should yield the same result. I'm not asking that you stop hating the Cowboys, be able to make an objective assessment of NFL teams given the facts presented.

Anyways, I'm done venting for the day, and who knows now that I stuck up for the Cowboys we will probably get our butts handed to us by the Broncos.

And yes, I promise no more Cowboys talk next time.

http://www.giants.com/schedule2009.asp
http://espn.go.com/nfl/powerrankings?year=2009&week=4
http://www.panthers.com/news/article-1/Inside-the-2009-schedule/f56b2e36-c3cb-40e9-8d78-3d8ccf326606
http://espn.go.com/nfl/standings/_/year/2008

Live Blogging the World Series in One Take with NO DVR While Switching Back and Forth to Watch 30 Rock and the Office Too

2007-10-25T19:02:00.000-05:00

Calvin got a job! It's true. I finally have a paycheck coming in from a company that not only offers me benefits, but also doesn't make it's revenue from slinging ice cream and sandwiches. High class. (By the way, I know that picture of Dave Chappelle working at Wac Arnolds is small and shitty, but it's the best Google images could do, so take it up with them.) Anyway, I am now living and working in the beautiful city of Baltimore.

You didn't think my propensity for littering my posts
with tons of pictures to cover up my lack of any serious
ability to write creatively would have disappeared during
the hiatus did you? Didn't think so.

I'm not going to tell you what I do because that will only make you all hate me more than you do now, and I have to cut my losses somewhere. Anyway, on to the most impulsive, least prepared for, and completely un-proofread comeback post you'll read on any blog anywhere this week!

8:08 - Vince Vaughn shamelessly promoting Fred Claus in a bit where he does his usual overbearing bit while at the same time being completely clueless. The segment was painful but I'll still see his movie.

8:14 - Just as I was about to type that doing this with no recording already made me miss who was singing the Anthem, I just realized it's fucking James Taylor! Holy shit he looks terrible. What a shame, he looks like an 80 year old Robert Duvall.

8:16 - FOX is recapping Game One to the hip tunes of Live. Specifically, the riff to the song that goes "All over you, all over me, the sun, the something, the something else...." I can't think of the right lyrics. Or the name of the song. But fuck it, the whole point of this post is that I have an excuse to do ZERO research.

8:19 - Commercials, so I switched to My Name is Earl. More commercials. I like Jason Lee, and this show always seems to be funny, but I never make a point to watch it.

8:20 - WHOA! In the span of about 30 seconds on Earl, we see a full frontal shot of Michael Rapaport and find out that Jaime Pressly is about 12 months pregnant. Back to FOX.

(Disclaimer: If this game becomes a blow-out, and/or incredibly boring, I'm reserving the right to cut this short to hit a bar. Just thought you should know.)

8:24 - The new Treehouse of Horror is on Nov 4. WHY?? I will never get why anyone would run a Halloween special after the holiday is over. At least go with Price is Right rules: if you can't hit the date dead on, go low, not high. How is it better to air a holiday special four days after the holiday when everyone has moved on, rather than 3 days before when the holiday season is still in full swing?

8:26 - Jamey Carroll just called out Youk's beard by claiming Todd Helton's is superior during line up intros.

By the way, the Jesus wanted my comeback post to be about the wizard that he's convinced lives in Helton's face pubes. Unfortunately for you readers, or luckily, depending on how you look at it, I haven't been able to find enough peyote to smoke in order to turn that into a full column yet. But I'll keep you posted.

8:30 - According to Tim McCarver, the key to the game for the Red Sox is wake me up at 4. As in, after four victories in this series. Nice to know their key to the game is to sleepwalk on the hottest team in baseball.

8:31 - First pitch foul. Second pitch bunted foul. After a low and inside splitter, Schill-Schill hits Taveras in the hand.

8:35 - God I can't believe Kaz isn't still playing in the minor leagues somewhere. Meanwhile on 30 Rock, Tracy Morgan is gonna start fighting dogs. God I love this show.

8:38 - Joe Buck just informed us that if a base is stolen tonight, "America will win a free taco." Offering me free Taco Bell is like offering a 10-year-sober former addict some liquid heroin - I know it's gonna turn my colon inside out while I howl bloody murder on the toilet, but I'm gonna fucking eat that shit with fire sauce anyway.

8:41 - Merlin Face grounds out to drive Taveras home. 1 - 0 Rockies.

(P.S. As bitter as I am about this team sweeping the Phillies out of our first October since 93, four years of dealing with obnoxious bandwagon douchebag Red Sox fans at the University of Delaware has forced me to hate them more than any other team in any sport save for divisional rivals. So fuck them. I've fully embraced Cocktober, or whatever their calling it.)

(P.S.S. And yes, as an unabashed and completely irrational homer, I do use "we" when referring to the teams I root for. Some of you may get the urge to call me a hypocrite for just having bashed all those insufferable Red Sox fans. And everyone of you can fall on a fat dick and contract SARS.

8:43 - Sox out of the inning, 30 Rock at commercials.

8:47 - Kevin Youkilis looks like he'd be more at home covered in leather, strapped into some sort of torture device and getting plowed in the ass by Zed and his redneck friend.

8:49 - Inning over. Now that I think about it, Youk actually kinda looks like the guy from Clerks 2 that fucks the donkey. I wouldn't be surprised if it was him.

8: 51 - I actually missed most of 30 Rock, but it seems like a shitty episode so oh well. Although Alex (or Alec? or Billy?) Baldwin is doing some really good black voices. Haha and now Mexicans. Classic.

8:54 - I know that last entry was chockful of shitty grammar, but no proofreading! This is actually pretty fun. Meanwhile, I can't believe I haven't seen any "Toolawitzki" jokes. Maybe I'm the only one immature enough to actually think that was funny.

8:57 - Double play, inning over.

9:09 - Back from the bathroom and watching the Office. Joe Buck is worried about the Californians burning in the wildfires. In a related note, he just took a quick break to change his Tampax.

9:17 - Having some long breaks because I can't think of anything funny to write about the Office, sorry. Not that it isn't funny, there's just no way to relate it so back to the game.

9:22 - Pedroia walks. I know I'm walking on a beaten path here, but I fucking HATE this announcing team. Buck is a whiny cunt who sounds like his only sports knowledge comes off cue cards. He is so far out of touch with the average American fan base its fucking pathetic. Tell me you have one friend who actually likes Joe Buck. Do it, I dare you. OK I have to end this. I can't even get into McCarver, I'm getting to the level of anger where I want to blast Creeping Death at full volume, shout DIE! DIE! DIE! over and over and slam my head into my desk.

9:33 - OK back to the game full time. Top of the 4th, still 1 - 0. Holiday has a short stroke. As opposed to my stroke. Which is longer, and has much more power. His short stroke had enough for a single up the middle though.

9:36 - Three pop ups to end the top half. What a shitty game. I may have to go get some beers soon.

9:37 - Another Taco Bell commercial. I wonder if I missed a stolen base? I might have to break my no research rule. Nah, off to the bar!

11:07 - Back from the bar. 5 Buds in. Couple Natty Lights left to help me finish. And yes we did have a steal. Quick Recap: We had a steal. Schill-Schill pitched well. Can't wait to see him in red pinstripes next year. Red Sox are winning. Shoot me.

Quick Note: I was at the bar watching the game for over an hour and a half, and it's been two innings maybe? Something like that, I'm not sure. Either way, playoff baseball blows. It's like pulling teeth. Regular season baseball is long and slow enough, but this is fucking torture. I'd rather have Britney Spears individually rip my pubes out with her teeth after learning she lost her kids to K-Fed than sit through a 5 hour regulation game. Kill me.

11:14 - Joe Buck just told us how great it is to be a fan in New England these days. BC just came back to win (and I was in a VT sponsored bar, I wish I fucking stayed!), the Patriots are killing it, the Celtics have their big three, and of course the White Sox are in the World Series. I guess we shouldn't expect the man calling the game to get the team right. Right?

11:19 - Okajima is on a fucking tear. I'd love nothing more than for the woodland critters to tear out his eye, piss their AIDS urine into his empty socket, then kill him and use his blood for lubricant as they rape his dead corpse.

11:21 - Fred Claus commercial. While I have you, I recommend checking out www.tnaflix.com. Really solid porno. I've been getting into the Not the Bradys clips lately.

11:23 - E - A - G - L - E - S EAGLES!

11:24 - Joe Buck reading pitch for Miller High Life is a god damn travesty.

11:25 - So are you guys as psyched for Guitar Hero 3 as I am? I've been hearing "One" in my head all week. It's seriously taking over my mind.

11:27 - Holy shit, Papelbon is a jackass. Nice montage of his so called 'Running Man.' God I fucking hate the Red Sox. It's so bad that if Manny Corpas did that I might have thought it was funny. Especially because it was set to the Flogging Molly song from the Departed. But because it was Papelbon it just made me want to shoot him in the throat with a crossbow.

Then have the woodland critters rape his arrow wound.

11:30 - Some punk ass little Boston fan with braces just screamed "go red sox" into the camera. He couldn't have been more than 12. And he sounded like one of the Olly girls. I bet he sucks alot of dick.

11:33 - Holy shit 24 looks nuts. I can't even describe how excited I am. Jack Bauer with no CTU and no restrictions going after Mexican ass Tony Almeida? That is gold. Solid gold. The alien from American Dad couldn't shit out this kind of gold. I literally have some chub sitting here thinking about the crazy murders Jack will commit with no one controlling him. I need to watch some Not the Bradys.

11:40 - I didn't know that Diceukay guy was pitching in the bullpen. Anyway, he struck out Kazuo. Who should be playing in Ohio somewhere, so I guess thats not much of an accomplishment. If I had one of those little dogs like Britney or Paris had, I could teach that little shit to strike out Kazuo. Or JD Drew for that matter. This World Series sucks. If only drugs were legal.

11:42 - What the French Toast?! I love that commercial.

11:43 - Some asshole has a giant Papelbon sign with dangling legs and short shorts. It correlates very well with the very gay segment I described earlier. And yes, Joe Buck did just call him "Twinkle Toes Papaelbon." That's why I hate him. That's why you hate him. That's why I hope some disgruntled Boston African American takes his frustrations out on Mr. Buck's colon in some back alley after the game tonight.

11:45 - I'm on fire tonight.

11:46 - Matt Holiday gets his dumbass thrown out. Fuck.

P.S.S.S. - Just wanted to reiterate that spelling and grammatical errors cannot be held against me. Especially the longer this shit goes.

11:49 - Joe Buck loves Tim McCarver's cum in his mouth.

11:51 - Julio Lugo just got called out for bouncing a bunt into his leg while running out of the batter's box. Bizarre, but it looks like the right call. And I'm all for it. But still, bizarre.

11:53: I love this cingular commercial where Roger Clemens calls his wife about coming back for the Yanks. I really don't know why, I'm just wondering if anyone else does.

11:59 - Big inning coming up for Colorado. I think their gonna come up with nothing and end up losing this game.
12:06 - Todd Helton struck out.

12:08 - This is it. Last batter. 1 - 2. Struck him out. Joe Buck shits his pants out of excitement.

The views expressed in this article are of and with the expressed written consent of Mr. Timothy Hardaway.

Why Bill Simmons no Longer has Credibility

2007-10-17T10:43:00.000-05:00

There was a day when I really enjoyed reading Bill Simmons articles, he was a homer who was always realistic about his teams chances and always seemed to have a decent amount of knowledge about the games no matter the sport. Then one day he woke up and the Patriots were the biggest cheaters in the NFL. Ever since that day the best way to describe a Simmons article is the excrement that remains in the toilet seconds before it is flushed. Don't get me wrong, he is still a good writer but I dont understand how he could still have any credibility when he makes crazy outlandish statements such as the following.

According to Simmons "Fourth-string running back Kyle Eckel rammed home a fourth-and-1 carry with 19 seconds remaining in a 14-point game. Normally, you take a knee there..."

Normally you take a knee on fourth-and-1? Why would you take a knee on fourth-and-1? You would turn the ball over, if you turn the ball over the clock stops and the game doesn't end. Yes, it still would have been nearly impossible for "America's Team" to come back from that deficit, but you dont take a knee on fourth-and-1? Every red-blooded American sports fan knows that you dont take a knee on fourth-and-1.

What an idiot.

As for that being the Patriots new patented "eff-u TD", are you kidding me? The Cowboys were down by 14 with 19 seconds to play, the game was over, (for all those about to quote the Cowboys coming back against the Bills, just keep quiet because it would not have happened here), do you really think that anybody from a potential Super Bowl team is going to break their back trying to tackle a guy on the last play of a game that was already lost? It was a running play when a running play was required, what was Eckel going to do when the Cowboys were going half-assed? Was he going to fall down? As the great all-knowing Bill Simmons pointed out he is a 4th string running back, he is not going to score that much in his career so of course he took it to the house when he had the opportunity.

Now the Pats are a good team, they beat the team with the best record in the NFC, but everyone already knew that any of the top three teams in the AFC would probably give the Cowboys a run for their money if not beat them. The Colts not only won the Super Bowl last year but are still undefeated, the Steelers are 5-1 and their only loss came because they were banged up against a surprisingly decent Arizona Cardinals team. So before Simmons goes claiming that the Patriots are the best team ever or even claim that they are saying "eff-u" to the rest of the NFL, maybe he should at least wait until they beat the defending, undefeated Super Bowl champions.

Now he is trying to defend the Patriots cheating by saying everyone else was doing it. Are you serious Billy? Everyone else was doing it, is this second grade and you were caught pissing in the trashcan or something? Your team cheated, you guys stole a former assistants signals because your coach is an idiot. You were playing the Jets and you cheat, I could understand maybe the Colts or hell even the Broncos, but the J-E-T-S JETS? Then Rodney Harrison is suspended for steroids, are you going to reverse course on steroids now and say everyone else was doing it? If you want to make fun of Mangini for rating out Belichek about cheating, then dont act like your trying to rat out every other team by saying everyone else was doing it. On top of that, if you compare this to any other form of cheating then you are an idiot, this is the only form of cheating that can directly affect the results of the game. Stealilng defensive signals so you know what they are going to do and then relay it to your offense. Your team sucks for not scoring 100 points. Everyone else was doing it, get over yourself.

Thank God its almost basketball season, hopefully Simmons will spot dreaming of a fellatio encounter with Tom Brady and talk about a sport he knows a little bit about.

Take a knee on fourth-and-one, what an idiot.

Here is the link to the story if you dont believe me. http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/bostonblog/071015

FOXSports Likes THHY

2007-08-19T09:58:00.000-05:00

Adam Schein has an idea on how to prevent all those NFL rookie holdouts. I'm in awe of his remarkable genius.

Football + Penny = Happiness

2007-08-12T13:55:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know what you are all thinking and the answer is no, I actually did not die this summer. I've actually been at a little party town on the east coast all summer dedicating my life to Bankers Club, Natty Light and the occasional fornication. However, I am making my way back up north and will bless you with your dirty little fetishes I like to call my post. By the way, believe me that there will be an amazing fill-in of summertime stories coming up, ALL DETAILS INCLUDED. So dont go whacking it yet. Now onto the main reasons I was so inspired to post instead of look up porn (excuse: just did that) or go chase some tail (excuse: just looked up porn).

FOOTBALL SEASON!!!!!

The inevitable depression from the end of summer can only be lifted by one thing, The Bright Shining Star on the helmets of America's Team, YOUR DALLAS COWBOYS. That's right, the 'Boys just whipped up on the Colts for the 2nd time in the past year. I understand that its just preseason and everything but I dont fucking care because its finally football season.

Maybe Tony Romo cries on the field, maybe he fumbles the most important snap of the past 5 years of my life, maybe I hated him for a while. However, he has rebounded nicely by being denied the near impossible task of holding a football and has settled for completing 10-11 passes in the first game back from the most devastating moment in sports history. He will be back as the best quarterback in the division, scratch that, in the conference this season. I admit it, I'm gay for Tony Romo and there is nothing wrong with that.

Dallas Cowboys- soon to be 6-time SUPERBOWL CHAMPS
Philadelphia Eagles- still at ZERO

ON TO SOME HOOPS NOW

My favorite player to ever wear a jersey is staging a comeback. Thats right the most explosive player from the 90's Anfernee "Penny" Hardaway is going to play for the Heat along side fellow 90's great and former teammate Shaq. Not only do I predict that Hardaway will comeback better than ever, I predict that he supplants D-Wade as the Heat's go-to guy. Okay maybe not but it will be funny as hell to see him and Shaq playing together for the first time since the big guy shaded out to L.A. If you dont remember how good this guy was then you are missing some great memories of a champion amongst men. As a refresher I left you a clip of the two best guards from the 90's showing how good basketball used to be.

Penny's comeback raises an even more important question, What happened to Lil' Penny? There are rumors that he was found dead in a St. Louis crackhouse http://forum.sbrforum.com/private-zone/82-li-l-penny-found-dead-crack-house.html, but that story has more holes in it than Tony Montana did at the end of Scarface. I personally feel that Lil' Penny realized that his larger replica was declining due to injuries and decided to jump ship rather than be part of a shitty entourage to a former world-class athlete. I hope to hear reports of him running around South Beach this season with an old friend and possibly appear in appearance in a Nike commercial, but unfortunately we may have seen that little plastic turd chasing Tyra Banks for the last time. I'm leaving you a gift so that you can remember Lil' Penny.

The Easiest Way to Fix Holdouts

2007-06-27T13:05:00.000-05:00

So we've come to the day when a dumb, fat offensive lineman from fucking Wisconsin, who couldn't even bother to show up to the NFL Draft because he was out drinking beer and fishing with his dad is going to hold out from training camp until he gets a monster deal? Are you fucking kidding me?! The NFL Draft is a mess, and it all starts with the compensation system. Year after year, there are big name holdouts who want the kind of money that veterans earn, all before participating in a single team drill, let alone playing any snaps.

I simply don't understand why a league that constantly fucks over its players with shitty pensions, no disability benefits, and generally the lowest paid players (despite being the most violent sport) feels the need to allow these unproven douchebag rookies come in and try to strong arm the teams that draft them. These teams are giving draftees the opportunity to PLAY A SPORT FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR. These assholes don't need to put on a shirt and tie and toil away at a computer 12 months out of the year for $40,000. And they still want more? You must be fucking kidding me. No wonder Larry Johnson (and many before him) thinks it's OK to sign a legal contract, and then withhold the services they agreed to provide unless they get more money.

How do we fix this problem? Simple. Take a page from the NBA. When Portland takes Oden (although they should take Durant), he'll be locked in for four years, with the last two as team options. He gets $3.8 mil for the first, followed by $4.1, $4.6 and $5.6. The rest of the first rounders shake out from there. How easy is that? No bitching, no moaning, no complaining. You don't like it, don't declare in the first place dick. The NBA may make some queer decisions like the dress code, or suddenly changing the ball used to play the game, but they generally take care of their players. But despite the guaranteed contracts, the marketing and huge endorsement deals, they don't let any of these potential draft busts hold a team hostage. It's such an easy, blatant solution, it's no wonder the NFL fucks it up.

I simply don't understand why a league that constantly fucks over its players with shitty pensions, no disability benefits, and generally the lowest paid players (despite being the most violent sport) feels the need to allow these unproven douchebag rookies come in and try to strong arm the teams that draft them. These teams are giving draftees the opportunity to PLAY A SPORT FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR. These assholes don't need to put on a shirt and tie and toil away at a computer 12 months out of the year for $40,000. And they still want more? You must be fucking kidding me. No wonder Larry Johnson (and many before him) thinks it's OK to sign a legal contract, and then withhold the services they agreed to provide unless they get more money.

Goodell needs to take a page from Mr. Stern. He clearly doesn't shy away from shoving the hot rod of justice straight up any players degenerate ass, so he should have no problem taking the draftees out back and kicking their asses into line. No holdouts, no bitching. A rookie pay scale fixes all that. So come on, Rog, take that big stick and whoop the ass the way I know only you can do.

The THHY State of the Union Address

2007-06-22T13:04:00.000-05:00

Hey there bitches, it's been awhile huh? Well its gonna be slow until training camp starts up... expect maybe a post every week or two. Why the shitty commitment by us? Well the Jesus is down at the beach without a computer all summer and I'm in the process of finding a job and moving to a whole new fucking city. But I'll give you what I can over the summer and we'll be back strong for several posts a week when football starts up again. It's gonna be hard, but I know you can wait that long.

Back with Bullets

2007-05-22T17:22:00.000-05:00

Well, I think I'm finally back after a long hiatus which pretty much consisted of Keystone Light, Guitar Hero and Entourage. In honor of my glorious return to the internet, I feel compelled to give you a bullet-styled rundown of the hilarious shit that is happening on an otherwise lazy day of sports.

Clinton Portis thinks its no big deal if Michael Vick hosted dog fights at his house. All this has proved is that Clinton Portis may be a good football player but is a shitty human being. Between playing for the Redskins and supporting Dogfights he equals out to the complete shit hole of human existance. Throw on that he went to University of Miami and copied Chad Johnson's mohawk last season and he becomes a complete fucking tool as well. Clinton Portis, I really wish you would read this to see how real people (not your fucking money-grubbing thuggish dogfighting cock-suckers you call your "boys") feel about the fact that you support dog fighting and inhumane treatment of animals. I seriously hope that you dont reproduce because you are single-handedly holding back all of human life.

Clinton Portis calls Michael Vick a good role model and says that people should mind their own business. What a fucking clown. Vick only got caught bringing weed onto an airplane and owns property where illegal dog fights took place and thats a good role model? Thats the equivalent as saying Lawrence Phillips or Bill Romanowski is a good role model. If this was any other person who was hosting dog fights where animals are tortured they would be sent to a psychiatrist to see if they are fucking sadistic and have problems. But hey its Michael Vick, the quarterback who can't pass and the NFL still tries to make him out to be the best player in the league, he will get out of this with a nice little chat with the commish.

I love Steroids. People need to make up their fucking minds. A decent number of baseball fans say that they would respect Barry Bonds a lot more if he admits that he used steroids while they were not illegal in the game, and shows that he has passed all drug tests since they were made illegal. Then Jason Giambi goes and does this exact thing, even apologizes for taking steroids saying that it was the biggest mistake he ever made, and now everyone is talking about releasing him, trading him or suspending him. Stop being fucking hipocrites. He did it, he made a mistake, he owned up to it, what else do you want? Instead of spending money on how to test for HGH or anything else that would be more beneficial to baseball and society, we are busy trying to crucify someone for coming clean and being honest, which is more than you can say about past Baseball "Golden Boys" (McGwire, Sosa). This is ridiculous and baseball would do itself a favor to drop this bullshit investigation.

(I never thought I would say this, but Giambi is the man)

Hammerin' Hank once again says that he will not be present when/if Barry Bonds breaks his record. I have a lot of respect for Hank, always seems like a class act whenever he is being interviewed or on television. However, he flip/flops sides on this argument more than John Kerry (bad politics joke I know). On one hand he says that steroids don't help you to hit a baseball, on the otherhand hes not going to watch Barry break his record. If he thinks Barry shouldn't break the record because he took steroid then just say it, don't tip toe around the subject because you dont want him to go through the same stuff you had to go through. Take a side and stick with it because personally I'm tired of a headline on ESPN that says that you repeated yourself again.
George Foreman says that he was drugged before the "Rumble in the Jungle" where Ali beat the shit out of him. The fight was in Africa where many other diseases and much more controversial issues like drugging can take place so this is actually likely. But why the hell would he take over 30 years before coming out and saying anything, or at least making it as well known as it is now. Why would you wait for Ali to be in a poor physical state where he is only a shadow of himself and really can not defend himself or his victory. I think that this is just about the time where Foreman has to come out and make news one more time just so he can promote himself and sell more Foreman Grills. Remember his "comeback" 5 years ago?

The draft lottery is tonight and to follow up on Simmons' Karma post, I hope Karma comes and fucks the Celtics in the ass. I really hope that the Celtics get one of the first two picks so Simmons can get all hyped for the Oden/Durant era and then turn around and start crying to everyone when they draft Joakim Noah or Mike Conley Jr. But then, as we have learned from Simmons by now, Noah/Conley will become a stud and Simmons will have called it all along and the only reason he thought Durant was so good was because he caught more of those games on the West Coast so couldn't properly evaluate the back-back National Championship winning Noah. So really we are all screwed unless the Sixers somehow get into one of the top 2 picks.
Okay thats all I have today except for one last giant FUCK YOU to Clinton Portis. You giant disgrace and pathetic excuse for a human being, I can only wish that you receive a Theismann like leg injury and you are forgotten you bum. Thank god you are too stupid to ever land a sports anchor job.

How We Keep It Real in Hotlanta

2007-04-26T19:37:00.000-05:00

It's time to cut Mike Vick loose. Arthur Blank said he's taking a stance against player misconduct this year, and it's time to step up to the plate. I'm sick of this bullshit of letting star players off to do whatever they want. You wanna reform your chain gang of felons Mr. Blank? Well then start with the fucking ringleader.

Mike Vick has flipped off his own fans. It's now blatantly obvious he pulls a Randy Moss too. And he gets off. We were told this was the last straw right? Well now, we find out he's pulling a Cheese, keeping more than 60 dogs on a property he owns, starving them, and forcing them to fight. That is complete bullshit. I have nothing wrong with two grown men beating the everloving piss out of each other, but starving dogs and making them kill for nourishment is fucking criminal. His ass shouldn't just be cut, he should be in fucking jail.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves; he's obviously not going to jail. He probably won't even be cited. He's a star athlete in the prime of his underachieving, overpaid career. Not to mention that he doesn't actually live at this property, he just owns it.

That shouldn't matter, however. The guy is fucking scum, just like his trashy brother. Arthur Blank probably had a heart attack when he heard about this. He probably reached right for his phone to cut this leech on society loose, but then stopped short. "Who would play quarterback? Oh right, I traded our best quarterback to the Texans. Joey Harrington starting? No fucking way! Over my dead, bloated, impotent body!"

So Mike Vick is gonna get off with a slap on the wrist at best. He'll keep thugging it up, ripping bingers and gang raping white women. All I can do is hope and pray that Sergeant Slaughter, I mean, Great Warlord General Goodell will go all righteous on his ass and bring down the hammer of pain and justice like he did to poor, misunderstood Pacman.

Pacman Says He's Sorry

2007-04-20T10:23:00.000-05:00

yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo,

its yo boy p-diiiidyy here. you know, pacman mufucka jones nigga. i'm here at THHY to lay down some fuckin flavva. this site needs a lil style nameans?

anyway, im tryin apologize and shit man. i know i been fuckin up an im tryin fix that shit. i aint mean to keep gettin bopped and shit man.

look yo, i made that shit rain, i mean that shit rained like fuckin katrina yaheard? but them cunt hos tried to goose up my bills son. so i had to roll son, yaheard.

fuckin popped that bitch secuurity guard. fuck him. but yo im sorry and shit. i aint mean to get all heated an shit. my bad.

i's wish i could fuckin play an shit, but shit i cant do that shit. dickhead goodell took me out for like a whole year an shit.

so ima fuckin just chill and fucking rip bings all day loong. toke it likes its hot nigga.

see ya'll mufuckas in 2008 bitch.

p-man

p.s. i aint mean that shit baby

Video Bonanza

2007-04-19T20:08:00.000-05:00

Not enough time for a traditional post, so here's my Top 5 YouTube videos of the day:

Tony Romo's defining play as a Cowboy:

The Sparkling Wiggles:

A leprechaun is on the loose in Mobile:

Sweet Chin Music to the jaw:

I like how stoner vision sounds like the Bowser laugh

And in memoriam of the most entertaining man in sports today:

Stupidity is Contagious

2007-04-18T22:03:00.000-05:00

Okay, I realize that I'm not pumping out these things like I said I was going to but I'm getting there. Plus the Joo is taking every subject before I even get a chance to write, kind of like a secret scheme to steal the site for himself. Unfortunately for him, I have found a way to rid him of his evil plan. How will I do this you ask? The answer is actually quite simple. I will never sleep and keep constant tabs on ESPN.com therefore taking my pick of the stories before he would ever have the opportunity to take the best subjects. Ever. Or else I guess I could stop being a lazy shit and just write. Whatever, ON WITH THE POST.

As its being reported the Miami Dolphins are really trying to get Trent Green. Are they high? Let's look at the facts, Trent Green is a 36 year old quarterback who is coming off a season where he suffered a concussion that made him miss half of the season. His team played better once his back-up, Damon Huard, started taking the snaps. If they do get Green, they are going to have to pay him starting quarterback money too. How can you commit a minimum of $7 million a year to a 36 year old quarterback who missed most of last season with a concussion?

This all sounds a little familiar though. Last season the Dolphins sign a quarterback who is returning from a major injury. After his back-up took over his team rallied and almost made the playoffs. They signed him to a starting quarterbacks contract. Now, Daunte Culpepper will most likely be traded before the season begins. This team is running in circles with the number of mediocre quarterbacks they have brought in.

Now lets apply logic. Bringing in veterans with an injury history (Culpepper and Green) and letting inexperienced nobodies (A.J. Feeley) doesn't work so what option is left? How about the good old fashioned NFL draft.

Everyone seems to agree that there are two "can't miss" quarterback prospects in this draft and almost every mock draft that I've seen has them going in the top 5. However, many teams in the top 5 are supposedly interested in trading down and the Dolphins would most likely end up giving up a pick in order to bring in Trent Green anyways. So why wouldn't they package their 1st rounder with a couple other later picks and try to trade up to get what could possibly be their quarterback of the future? Maybe that makes too much sense.

I'm making the prediction that if Miami makes this trade and ends up with Trent Green then he will not end up as their starting quarterback the following season.

I also want to address the Charlie Manuel situation. Since I am from the Philadelphia area, I get to hear everyone's take on Manuel's furious argument with WIP sports broadcaster Howard Eskin, and let me say that I am loving every minute of this. Now don't get me wrong, I think Manuel is a completely horrible manager (see Brett Myers getting moved to the bullpen), but I would have loved to see Eskin get his little whiny ass kicked all over the Phillies clubhouse. He is the definition of ignorant combined with the definition of asshole. All he has ever done is trash every Philadelphia team with the exception of the Eagles due to his giant man crush on Andy Reid.

This is how Eskins show can be summed up for the past 5 years:

Phillies suck, Larry Bowa is too hard on them
Phillies suck, Charlie Manuel is too soft on them
76ers suck, They will never win with Iverson
76ers suck, They will never be as good as they were with Iverson
Flyers suck, Ken Hitchcock's players aren't responding to him
Flyers suck, Steven's players aren't playing as hard as when Hitchcock was coach.

He seriously contradicts himself on every show and whenever he realizes that there is a caller who has figured him out, he hangs up on him. Hey newsflash Howie, its okay to be wrong. People make mistakes, but calling everyone a moron and hanging up on them because their point is more logical than yours is something only an ignorant asshole would do.

Staying on WIP for a second, lets just say that listening to that station is one of the more enjoyable parts of my day. There is nothing more entertaining than listening to Philly sports fans calling in and crying about not winning a championship in 24 years. The best is during football season, every year there is one guy who swears that this is the Eagles turn to win it all. Then January comes around and the same guy is balling his eyes out into his cell phone on his way to drive himself off a bridge. Absolutely HILARIOUS.

By the way, Manuel will look awesome as the White Sox hitting coach and once again plays the role as Jim Thome's gay lover next season. Also, as one extra input here, fuck the White Sox and fuck Mark Buehrle. Why does shit like this always happen to my team. Oh my God, I sound like a Philly fan. Unlike Philly fans however I'm not going to drive off a bridge.

Anyways, thats all I've got for now but I will be back later on with some more sarcasm and insight.

Let's All Line Up To Fellate Tim Duncan

2007-04-18T15:34:00.000-05:00

Tim Duncan is innocent. Tim Duncan is always innocent. He's never done anything wrong; he plays the game the right way, he doesn't talk trash, he doesn't throw teammates under the bus. Everyone loves Tim Duncan. If only every player in the NBA was like Tim Duncan.

Well suck my ass, Tim Duncan. You are a whiny pussy and you need to grow a real set of balls. You are the softest "superstar" in the league. OK, so Joey Crawford has gone somewhat over board in the past. But are we seriously suspending referees indefinitely now? Solely on the word of Tim Duncan? No one knows what was really said between Crawford and Duncan. If Crawford really challenged him to a fight, and Duncan says he would fight him, how come Timmy Boy didn't do anything at the time? He didn't get fired up or challenge Crawford at all. Because Crawford didn't say that, first of all. And because Tim Duncan is like the kid at a frat party who gets all fired up at some other asshole and screams his head off, but always manages to get caught between who he wants to fight and people who are holding him back and never actually throws a punch. He always conveniently is pulled away from the fight that he tried to start, and runs his mouth afterward how he would have kicked ass if he had the chance.

Well, fuck that. Are we really going to suspend a referee without due process or a fair trial for an undeclared period of time based solely on what Tim Duncan says? It's like we're fucking Nazi's and that's complete bullshit. What happened to zero tolerance? What happened to reeling in these cunt bag players who try to upstage refs? All of a sudden because it's Tim Duncan who acted out and ended up on the wrong side of a couple technicals, the policy is at fault? The zero tolerance policy has been too extreme from the start. But it's the policy this year, and suspending a referee for upholding the rules of the league is setting a dangerous precedent. As long as Tim Duncan gets his way like this just because he's the "poster boy" of the NBA, he will never stop whining and generally acting like a little bitch. Stick to the guns you put up Stern. Don't let some sloppy cunt with a bunch of sand in it influence how you run your business.

Nappy Is The New N-Word

2007-04-17T20:24:00.000-05:00

I know I may be late to the dance on this one, but whatever.I have another post planned for tomorrow, but I wanted to weigh in quickly on this while I still could. Look, I hate Don Imus. He's an asshole and a racist, and really, a no talent ass clown. And for all those reasons, he deserved to be fired. But for calling Rutgers a bunch of nappy headed hos? Nope. That hardly should have gotten any mention. It wasn't right of him to call them hos, but that wasn't why this firestorm happened. It was the nappy headed part. And really, that part is pretty fucking innocent.

He said that the women (the black women) had thick, coarse hair. That's called nappy. Can you think of one black woman whose hair is not naturally nappy? Yeah, me neither. So what about that is racist? There was a racially based statement - not racially insensitive, but racially based. Calling the Rutgers basketball team nappy headed is a statement of fact. Albeit, a stupid and irrelevant statement of fact, but fact none the less. No different than if he called the US Olympic Swimming team a bunch of straight haired hos. The ho part is certainly offensive, the hair part is not. It's a fact. There was absolutely nothing racist about what Imus said.

I've heard the argument (Stuart Scott) that things like ho and nigger are OK for the black rap community to constantly drop into records because they use them as "terms of endearment." A ho is a hooker, a prostitute, a slut for money no matter how you intend it. You call a woman a ho, that is fucking offensive. I've called girls dirty whores before during sex, it's still offensive. And if the word nigger is so offensive (which it absolutely is), then there is no excuse for a black man to call his friends his niggers. You know what Robert E. Lee called the workers at his farm? His niggers.

It was insensitive to call them hos, but it wasn't insensitivity that cost him his job. For god sakes, there's a rap group that calls themselves "Nappy Roots." Black people have nappy hair. It's not racist to point this out. But our society has become so afraid of offending black people so as not to incur the wrath of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson that it almost seems offensive to call a black person black anymore. We strive so hard to show how far we have come from slavery and the era before civil rights that we are ready to crucify anyone who doesn't treat black society like the retarded cousin - treat him like he's a child even though he's 28 years old, and don't mention anything about his illness because it might upset him. And please, I am not saying being black is an illness. But the white media acts like it's something that cannot be mentioned in good sense. They want to label anyone who would call a black man a black man as racist. Being black is a source of pride, and acting like a white person even uttering the fact that a fellow man is black should be punished is insulting to all black people. We treat the subject of black people like it is taboo and should never be brought up in public. That's completely ludicrous.

White America is simply scared of Black America. The white media is so eager to please black people at every turn that they end up looking stupid and ignorant for it. Black America does not need this hand out pity that we constantly feed them. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson only further perpetuate this abomination. There are a lot of black people that agree that Sharpton and Jackson are a plague on their society and are as much a part of the problem as Imus. What Don Imus said was not insensitive to black people, it was insensitive to women. But being a sexist doesn't get you fired. You mention race though, and Reverend Al will put your ass in the stocks. He should be the one fired - he acts like it's a shame to specifically mention the black race in any sense. And that's more racist than anything Don Imus ever said.

And Down Goes Young...

2007-04-17T12:04:00.000-05:00

Could there have been worse news? I say nay. Vincent Paul Young, Jr. will be the next great athlete to grace the cover of Madden Football. While he will look great on it, and will no doubt be impossible to stop in the game, his what-once-seemed inevitable rise to the ranks of the greatest quarterbacks ever to play the game is now seriously in question. While his impending injury should technically only end this coming season, what if he ends up ripping everything that connects his femur to his tibia like Daunte Culpepper did? He may never be the same again. This is a very black day for sports fans everywhere. The most electrifying man in sports today is on a runaway freight train headed towards the land of washed-up quarterbacks.

Let's take a very quick look at the highlights of previous curses:

Garrison Hearst (1999) - Broken ankle, out until 2001.
Eddie George (2001) - Somewhat of an anomaly, his curse started the year after he appeared, as he never averaged more than 3.4 yards a carry the rest of his career.
Duante Culpepper (2002) - Worse statistics than the year before he appeared, became completely useless as an NFL QB after 2005 injury.
Marshall Faulk (2003) - Ankle injury, never reached 1,000 yards again.
Michael Vick (2004) - Broken leg in preseason, didn't return until Falcons were already eliminated from playoff contention.
Ray Lewis (2005) - No interceptions, team went from division winners to missing playoffs, Lewis suffered broken wrist in last game. In 2005, Lewis suffered season ending injury in week 6.
Donovan McNabb (2006) - The most painful of them all. After going to the Super Bowl, McNabb gets a sports hernia in week 1. Plays through injury until week 10, when a blatant cheap shot by Roy Williams finally ends his season. Suffers season ending ligament tear against Titans in 2006.
Shaun Alexander (2007) - Reigning NFL MVP misses his first game in his seven year career after injuring his foot in week 1 and shutting it down for six weeks after the third game.

That's eight of the last nine years, and seven straight that a Madden cover athlete has had some form of detrimental incident set them back in their careers. Now, I don't believe in superstitions or karma or any of that tribal head shrinking bullshit, but that is a fucking scary history to look at. I mean, just look at the data for a minute! The only cover athlete EVER on Madden that isn't on this list is Barry Sanders, who retired before training camp the same year he was on the cover. So, he probably would have gotten mutilated that year and never walked again. I guess that was a smart move after all. I need to mention, however, that I left Dorsey Levens off, because he appeared the same year as Sanders - but only in Europe and other shitty inferior countries over there. He did, however, only gain 224 yards that year, then bounce around the league without ever again making an impact. So, without further ado, I present to you the odds on Vince Young's forthcoming calamity.

HIV acquired from mother of upcoming bastard child becomes full blown super AIDS - 250-1

Crazed hippie from 'Madden Nation' stabs Young after VY tells him he doesn't love him - 200-1

Broken leg suffered when Lendale White loses footing at buffet table and rolls across room overtop of Young's leg - 100 - 1
Hernia from holding all of Tennessee on his shoulders, Atlas style - 75 - 1

Sliced ankle tendon courtesy of a jilted and envious Matt Leinart - 50 - 1

Stray bullet wound from a night out on the town with good buddy Adam - 35 - 1

Damaged retina when Madden box thrown by fan for Young to sign strikes his eye - 20 - 1

Jacknifed at mid-field by Joey Porter, shattered vertebrae - 8 - 1

Broken collarbone, arm and ribs after being blindsided by a drunken, bored Chris Henry in week six - 3 - 1

Shot to death by Tank Johnson after accidentally "scuffing his kicks" - 3 - 2

Leave your own ideas in the comments.

UPDATE: I made a stupid ass mistake. Roy Williams picked McNabb on his last play of the season, it was Bradie James that laid down the cheap shot.

Roger Clemens : Barry Bonds :: THHY : Greatness

2007-04-16T14:21:00.000-05:00

Everyone knows by now what happened today at Virginia Tech. Terrible, terrible news. I have some friends down there, and it sounds like they are all OK. I don't wanna say I'm glad it was no one I know, because that sounds horrible and insensitive to the fact that everyone who was hurt or killed is loved by someone that now feels awful. So I am just thankful that my friends are safe, and my thoughts go out to everyone suffering in anyway from this horrific tragedy.

With that in mind, I must continue with my original intended post. After all, if I was to let this affect the way I would have lived my life before it happened, then I've let the terrorists win. You can just call me Jack Bauer.

I agree with most of the things the Jesus had to say in regards to Barry Bonds - he's an asshole, a liar and a cheat with seemingly no conscious who just happens to be one of the greatest players to ever play the game. Sure, his batting statistics are Hall of Fame worthy, but remember, this is a guy that only four years ago became the first and so far only member of the 500 - 500 club when he stole his 500th base. No one else even has 400 HR's and 400 SB's. I don't personally want to see him break the record. If he does, however, I don't want to see the accomplishment cheapened in the media by the steroids allegations. It's not fair to play down his accomplishments based on speculation and because the man isn't well liked. I just want to see him blow out his knee for good so everyone can forget about him.

I bring that up so that I can move onto my next point - why does Roger Clemens get to skate by without anyone in the media so much as batting an eye? Everyone knows he got hit in the Grimsley fallout last year, so the idea was out there. But it was gone in a week. So let's break it all down. He follows the same arc that Bonds did. He was always an amazing player, he put up astonishing statistics, and as far as anyone could tell, he wasn't that great a person. I mean, he stabbed two different AL East teams right in the back. He signed with Toronto (after four mediocre years in Boston lowered his value), as Boston was trying to lock him into a deal to retire as a Red Sock. After being traded to New York and winning a few titles, he decided to retire. Only, instead of retiring, he returned the next year for his hometown Astros because they wouldn't make him travel with the team when he wasn't pitching. He even claimed that during the World Baseball Classic last year all the dry cleaners were closed because the Japanese and Koreans were at the games. That one sure didn't blow up like Don Imus' ho comment did it? What a stand up guy. He just embodies the values of team spirit, loyalty and responsibility doesn't he. Great role model.

Barry Bonds came under the scrutiny of suspicious writers when his numbers (and his head and neck) erupted around the age of 40. He no longer was a speedy guy who could steal bases and still hit for power. He became a ball mashing monster who drew intentional walks in record numbers because it seemed any ball thrown within ten feet of the plate was going into the Cove. He also drew scrutiny for the fact that he was able to remain fairly healthy even as he grew older. One of the benefits of steroids is that they allow aging athletes to prevent injuries, making them more durable. Remember, you don't hit 73 runs if your missing games with groin pulls or elbow strains.

Roger Clemens' last two years in New York featured ERA's of 4.35 and 3.91, respectively. Far from amazing numbers. His next year, the first in Houston, saw Roger improve to a 2.98 ERA. That's an entire run a game improvement. The next year, however, he posted a 1.87 ERA. The only other time he was below the two run a game mark was 1990, when he was 27 and had one of the best seasons of his career. This doesn't correlate at all with Bonds' rise? And speaking of durable, he started 32 games that year. He missed a late September start with a strained hamstring, but it took him three games of pitching through the injury before he finally sat down to take a start off.

I bring all this up because of an article blurb I read this morning at Ben Maller's rumor page. In light of pitching staff injuries to two of the three suitors vying to overpay enough to earn the Rocket's services this season, the issue was raised of whether he would speed up his decision process in order to help whatever team he ends up on stay afloat. His response, via agent Randy Hendricks, was simple: "Nothing is moving up our timetable." Just another classic example of the true asshole that is Roger Clemens. Why should he adjust so that he can help a team reach his ultimate goal of winning another World Series? No, he's just going to hold teams - only three teams, he won't even acknowledge any other ones - over the barrel for as much money as he can possibly squeeze out of one more year. Last year, he signed to the tune of 22 large. That's a hefty price to pay for a pitcher who won't even start pitching in the bigs until sometime in June. But of course, none of that matters - he has no responsibility to whichever team he ends up on, or to his teammates. The only responsibility is for said team to bring the Rocket his next title.

When you break it down, Bonds and Clemens are both bona fide legends whose numbers dipped somewhat as their careers dragged on. They both had a resurgence as they neared their 40th birthdays to put up astonishing stats, as well as surprising durability (save for Bonds' injury lost 2005, from which he seems to have bounced back pretty well from, considering he could hardly walk last year.) Both have been linked to steroids rings. And as everyone knows, both are complete dickheads. So why is all the shit heaped on Bonds while Clemens comes out smelling like roses? It's complete bullshit and I just don't get it. I don't see any more redeeming qualities in Clemens then I do in Bonds. This seems the perfect set up to play the race card, but I refuse to believe in that because the American public is too smart to racially profile against athletes in such an extreme manner. I refuse to accept it when another writer uses it, and I will never argue it myself because it's lazy writing; it's an uncreative tool used to stir up shit by people who can't form a real, solid argument. As for my argument in this matter, I don't have one. I see no excuse for the disparity of shit throwing concerning these two cock suckers. So if anyone has any ideas, please enlighten me. I'll appreciate it.

Awakened by Atlantic City

2007-04-15T21:01:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately for myself I have finally awoken from my giant sex-coma, it was quite glorious. However, since I am alive again, I figured I might go ahead and give you guys some intelligent sports insight unlike the Joo's Penthouse Forums that have gone up lately. Personally I dont care who the hell he bangs or how he does it, unless she's fat cause then he's gonna catch some shit. But at least it was better than NASCAR.

Here's a quick fill-in of what happened with me during my absence- Florida, Coaching, Swim Meet, Family, Easter, Home, Atlantic City, Gambling, Third Eye Blind, Gays.

The first six aren't really worth mentioning but I had a fucking great time in Atlantic City. I saw the Third Eye Blind concert at the House of Blues which is in the Showboat Casino below.

Now I realize that Third Eye Blind is kind of a girly band but I know that you have memorized the words to Jumper or Semi-Charmed Life so you are just as gay as I am. I was a little nervous about them putting on a shitty show because I heard they sucked live but the concert was actually pretty good. The most surprising thing was actually the large gay crowd that was in attendance. Dont get me wrong if you like it in the butt I'm not knocking you, but I found it a little disturbing when I saw two guys holding hands and getting close to each other during a song called Deep Inside of You. Let's just say that was a little awkward. The only other disappointment was being right in behind two dumbass girls who were trying to mosh to Third Eye Blind. I was about to take my $12 Red Bull and Vodka and slam it straight in their face but then I realized that I paid $12 for a Red Bull and Vodka and I would rather drink it. Damn they were annoying, I would feel bad for their parents but they're probably fucked up individuals as well.

After that I realized that I spent like $50 on drinks during the concert and I only had like $30 left so I made a bee-line to the penny slots with the old people. I still made a little bit of money on those and attempted to graduate to the Quarter Slots, lets just say I was broke pretty quickly. After that I swung by the Hard Rock to get some of those kick-ass Nachos and then drove all the way back home. Good time though.

Jumping over to sports now, Happy J-Rob day to you. I think its a good idea and definitly a classy move that teams like the Dodgers and Phillies decided to wear the number 42 in his honor today. However I also think that it was a horrible move for other teams such as the Padres who chose not to honor him and did not wear his number. This should have been a great day for baseball but unfortunately a lot of games were rained out today, but at least the Dodgers played. Speaking of the Dodgers and Padres, during the 4th inning ESPN had Hank Aaron visit in the booth and talk baseball with Joe Morgan and Jon Miller for a little while. I was surprised that nobody even adressed the Barry Bonds issue to see how he feels or at least would react, but I wouldn't be surprised if they were not allowed to ask him about that. This made me think about how he would feel about Bonds breaking the record. I know that he had a quote a few years ago that went along the lines of saying "No one has ever proved that steroids make it easier to hit a baseball", but he has to realize that it helps to hit the ball farther.

Personally I kind of hope that Bonds breaks the record and I don't think there should be an asterisk or anything else put next to his numbers. The fact is that steroids were not illegal to the game of baseball when Bonds has been known to take them and since they were made illegal he hasn't failed a drug test. SO WHAT HAS HE DONE WRONG. Everyone is going to say that it was a question about ethics, but no the fuck it's not. He didn't do anything illegal, unethical or different than a large number of other players in the league. Everyone is just being ridiculous and does not want to see an unfriendly asshole take the record away from the classiest guy to play in the league. I like Hank Aaron the athlete and the person a million times better than I like Barry Bonds, but you can't deny him the record because he isn't a nice guy.

One more thing about steroids, for all you people who think that Bonds taking steroids has made it easier to break the record, realize that pitchers take steroids too. You don't face pitchers throwing fast-balls in the low 90's, just about every pitcher comes into the league throwing 95 miles an hour and most end up pitching only about 1 inning a game. Bonds faces teams that feature specialized bullpens, harder-throwing pitchers, teams that pitch around him every chance they get. It really takes away from not only Bonds, but all of today's players when you say that the game is easier now than it was in the past. If we keep this up then we will not see another great player, because everyones greatness is going to be questioned. Maybe we just need time to pass for us to realize how great an achievement this is, steroids or not.

On to some football, I can not describe how happy I am that Pac-Man Jones and Chris Henry got their ass-kicked on their suspensions (the season for Jones and 8 games for Henry). I also think they should be forced to return part of their signing bonus because they royally screwed their teams for this coming season. Its good to see that Roger Goodell has balls and will step up to a couple of clowns who run around starting trouble in almost every situation. Now dont misinterpret me because I'm no saint, but there is a difference between doing something stupid every now and then as compared to acting stupid on a consistent basis. Henry and Jones are this generations Lawrence Phillips, good players who will never reach their potential because of off-field issues.

As for the draft, I hope the Raiders are smart enough to draft Brady Quinn over Jamarcus Russell. Nothing against him personally, but being a SEC fan I've never been very impressed with Russell. He was shut down against the two toughest defenses he saw last season (Florida and Auburn) and really only stepped it up in the past couple games. Yes he is a physical freak of nature and potentially can be a great, but If I had the pick I would look towards someone who has already been playing in an NFL type system and has been under the spotlight for his entire collegiate career. Whichever stud prospect the Raiders go with will be a good decision, neither one is a Ryan Leaf.

By the way did you guys know that Ryan Leaf is now a quarterbacks coach as well as a golf coach at West Texas A&M? Could you really let yourself be coached by Ryan Leaf? That would be weird. Check out the picture, that is the classic look of washed up pro spending way too many lonely nights at the bar. Here's the link if you dont believe it http://gobuffsgo.cstv.com/sports/m-golf/spec-rel/121806aaa.html

That all I have for now but expect me to be back to the normal posting patterns and allow yourself to be entertained.

Weekend Recap

2007-04-15T17:05:00.000-05:00

Today is a rare day, so you better remember it well. Today I swallow my pride. The same Eagles who I just told you would win the division, are the laughing stock of the NFL. They overpaid Brian Westbrook by giving him a $3 million dollar roster bonus - twice. Now we could be taking a cap hit for it. Not that this will affect our forthcoming world championship season, but it could put us in somewhat of a bind when it comes time to sign draft picks.

Kevin Durant became the first college player ever featured on a DIME cover.

Another Sunday, another fucking awesome race. Not for my boy Clint though. The 07 car was just terrible today. They never could get it just right. He fell from 8th to 28th in a matter of less than 50 laps. They fixed it enough towards the end of the race to get him up to finish 16th though. His first win is coming soon, mark my words.

What a race folks. It had everything you could want in a race. There were multiple lead changes, a couple of cautions that created some intense restarts, and even a crazy wreck on the very first lap:

I really thought Jeff Gordon couldn't be beaten today, his car was fantastic - it was the only one that looked great the entire race. Junior finally took him for a substantial chunk of time on lap 102, and they traded again after that, but he couldn't hold on as he wrecked out for his third DNF out of seven races this year. Gordon finished fourth, for his fourth top five of the season. It again came down to a white flag battle, as Jeff Burton pulled off an inside pass on Matt Kenseth on Turn 2 of the final lap, to take his only lead of the race and become the first ever repeat winner at Texas Motor Speedway. He won the inaugural race there 10 years ago. So congrats to a Richard Childress Racing Chevrolet teammate. At least one of them had something to show for the day - Bowyer and Kevin Harvick finished 16th and 29th, respectively.

The Mavs - Spurs game was fucking awesome as well. What a comeback by the Mavericks. I've read more than a few people's predictions this week that San Antonio would topple Dallas in the playoffs. I don't see it. The Spurs are getting older, and Dallas just seems too hungry this year. I can't see them letting anyone take them in a seven game series. They are executing too well, and are insanely motivated to erase the memory of last years Finals dud. Anyone picking against them is crazy.

"John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I'll make it rain out here."

Deadspin literally just put this up a minute ago and it immediately made it to the next bullet of this post. It's a video of some guy pulling a Barry Badrinath and sinking some fucking sick beer pong shots. One of the coolest videos I've ever seen.

Drew at KSK had a particularly hilarious Sex Cannon post on their Thursday bukkake.

The Phillies got a win out of an insanely entertaining game yesterday. Hamels didn't pitch his best, but JRoll hit his NL leading sixth homer (he must be juicing), and our bullpen was shaky enough to scare us, but not enough to blow the game. I picked a good first game to see in person. (On a funnier note, Freddy Garcia's first Phillies start was delayed by rain - on Jackie Robinson day, when every Phillie was scheduled to wear 42. Oh well.)

Speaking of Jackie Robinson, Jerry Stackhouse wanted to honor him today by replacing his own name with Robinson on the back of his jersey. (He wears 42 out of respect for Robinson). I would normally disagree with a sports league being so stuck up about something like this, but I'm glad David Stern nixed this one. He doesn't even play the same sport as Jackie did. It just seems stupid to me.

Alright everyone, theres no Family Guy or American Dad because the ridiculously stupid-looking Drive premieres on FOX tonight. Enjoy the Sopranos and Entourage. And make sure to record the new VH1 show Charm School at ten east, it features the most retarded of all the idiot girls on the Flavor of Love shows trying to learn how to be civilized. That could be a classic in the making.

Your Philadelphia Football Eagles: 2007 NFC East Champs

2007-04-11T19:58:00.000-05:00

Green Bay - Unlike many of the ass lickers, I mean, columnists, at the WWL, I don't buy into this whole Brett Farve is a quality QB garbage. That whole team is shit, and anyone that picks them for the playoffs is on more drugs than the Pipemaker. Eagles 1 - 0
Redskins - Two words: Jason Campbell. Eagles 2 - 0
Lions - Two words: Jon Kitna. Although, Roy Williams is fucking sick; he deserves better than this. Eagles 3 - 0
Giants - Two words: Eli Manning. Oh, and 8 more words: Michael Strahan left his wife for a guy. Eagles 4 - 0
BYE
Jets - They should be good. If Chad Pennington can hold up, the running game should open up for Thomas Jones. That trade was a steal for NY by the way. Still, the Eagles offense and defense (TKO!) will be too much for Dennis' team. Eagles 5 - 0
Bears - Great defense obviously, but shitty offense. Our D will kill Grossman, and DMac will rip them a new asshole. Eagles 6 - 0
Vikings - They might not even have a win by this point. Eagles 7 - 0
Cowboys - I don't think anyone can question how gay and talentless that fake spic Tony Romo is. Eagles 8 - 0
Redskins - Wait, Adam Archuleta is the highest paid safety in the history of the NFL? Courtesy of Dan Snyder? But wait, he's playing for Chicago now? Oh that's right, the Redskins can't do a fucking thing right. Eagles 9 - 0
Dolphins - The Mc's girlfriend will hate this, but seriously, whose gonna throw the ball? Eagles 10 - 0
Patriots - After a tremendous almost two thirds of the season, the Eagles hit their first major obstacle in New England. Tom Brady, Donte Stallworth and the D are just too much, and they hand the last undefeated team in football their first L. Eagles 10 - 1
Seahawks - Coming off a long trip and taking their first loss, they lay down on a game they should win. Eagles 10 - 2
Giants - The Tiki-less Giants are worse than they were a year ago. Eagles 11 - 2
Cowboys - No commentary needed. Eagles 12 - 2
Saints - Watch out Reggie, Sheldon Brown is waiting for you. Although we'll have the top seed wrapped up at this point, and we'll be playing scrubs. Eagles 12 -3
Bills - We're going to see this game with Steveo because he's a Bills fan. He's gonna be really sad, even though we're playing scrubs. Eagles 13 -3

Ridin' the Deuce Three: The Sexy Post

2007-04-09T18:37:00.000-05:00

OK, now it's time for the sexy stories. The above banner was plastered all over our hotel; you couldn't turn your head without seeing it at least twice. They also had several 40+ ft screens around the hotel that featured a commercial about it on a loop. Now, if you couldn't figure it out by the picture alone, Fantasy was the revue that is performed at the Luxor. Well, by the end of the week, we were intrigued. And not intrigued like mildly interested, intrigued like we had the song memorized and if we didn't see the show, it would drive us crazy that we never saw it. So, we bought tickets and ended up in the sixth row - not too bad. We had the perfect view of titties. The show was terrible; there was some singer chick trying to make it big by covering crappy songs like "Black Velvet" and interacting with the crowd. And she would wear all the same outfits as the girls who got topless, but her top would never come off. Like she was too good or something. Bitch, you're still in a thong showing off your ass, make with the tits already! Also, there was this horrible black comedian that dressed up like Michael Jackson and Sammy Davis Jr. Unfortunately, his whole act revolved around saying "this guys gonna get fucking laid tonight, fuck yeah!" Lame. So, overall the show was mostly a bust, but those chicks were hot, and they had hot busts. That was cool at least.

After the show, we went back to our room to chill out for awhile. Dennis and Steveo had gone to O'Shea's and gotten drunk. I ended up passing out for two hours, and waking up to an empty room. So I went downstairs and drank and gambled. Therefore, this story does not come from a first hand account. But I've heard enough of it from enough people to know that I've got it pretty straight. Everyone ended up at O'Shea's, doing tequila shots and drinking dollar drafts. Dennis met some creepy guy who offered to shuttle them off to Treasure's (a tit club) and give them free admission and drinks. So, despite the creepiness, everyone decides to go. The place ends up being pretty empty, so they have a lot of whores paying attention to them. Dennis tells a few of them that he is a backup QB for Florida State. (Further proof that all cunts are brain dead - there's no way in hell Dennis could be a back up kicker, let alone a quarterback.) One girl took a liking to him and sat on his lap for at least an hour, until Shawn accidentally dropped his real name, angering the stripper, who then proceeded to storm off. Did she think he was gonna be the foster dad to her kids or something? She's a fucking stripper, what does she care if some guy doesn't give her a real name? It's not like her name is really Chastity. Anyway, the real story revolves around Steveo. The guy is really attached to his girlfriend. She's calling us at 7 am Vegas time, texting back and forth all day, he won't get a mohawk or tattoo because she'd be mad, DEFINITELY won't go see tits because she'd be mad. (To drive this point home, I told him when we got back to the airport that he should get a hold of his girl and take control of his relationship. She simply laughed and told me she thought it was "cute and funny when he tries to put his foot down." Ouch.) Well, apparently they got into a fight and Steve got plastered at O'Sheas. So they go to the strip club... and my boy Steveo falls IN LOVE. One of those nuddie girls just caught his eye and he got that tunnel vision. The other tits might as well have not even been there. This bitch took him upstairs and going by what he told us, she was noodling with his peter, he got to feel her up and suck some nip, and she pretty much dryhumped him to what I'm sure was a premature finish. Needless to say, we were all sworn to secrecy for fear that big bad Mrs. Steveo would find out. Luckily, no one reads this blog.

This is gonna be the last story I write out for you guys. Alot of other shit happened, but I don't think too much more of it is interesting enough to post about. And to be honest, this is easily my favorite story of the whole trip. The scene: it's the last day before our flight home (at 6am), and we're all back at O'Shea's drinking. We got there about noon, and around 4 we walk back to MGM to watch some sports that Steveo and the Mc bet on. After an hour or two, me and Dennis decide to go back to O'Shea's because we have no action on the day and we wanted more tequila shots. (I fucking love that they salt the rim and drop a lime wedge in. Call me a fag, I don't care.) So we're drinking, taking shots and I'm kicking his ass in pool until around 9 or 10. At that point, we (apparently) stumble back to the hotel and I (apparently) wander around our floor in my underwear for a while. When my conscience comes back around midnight, I'm ready to drink. I don't wanna waste our last night there being a pussy. So I go downstairs, grab a brew and a shot, and head out on the Strip looking for something going on. Just my luck, I run into a couple of drunk broads wandering too. After talking to them for a minute, they invite me to some club they were going to. I have no idea where we went - we could have been in NY, NY at the Coyote Ugly or in the Grand at Studio 54, I don't have a fucking clue. We're dancing, drinking, flirting, fucking having a good time. Around 2:30, the bitch finally tells me she lives in Vegas and has an apartment right around the corner. My natural reaction is to say, "This place is getting kind of lame. Why don't we go to your place for a drink?" She agrees, and the three (or four?) of us grab a cab and head over. We have a couple beers, and she says she's starting to get tired. Her friends have all kind of wandered off to do their own thing, so I pounce like one of those lions after a rope of meat. After some tongue action and a ton of heavy petting, I've got the skirt at her ankles and the thong pushed to the side. I'm coming in from behind, she's bent over top her bed. Then we move to my all time favorite posish - she's sitting on the counter in her bathroom, back against the mirror, and I'm standing in front of her going at it fucking hard. It was glorious. We end up back on the bed (normal missionary, with my arms around her knees, her ankles at her ears), and after awhile I'm about to shoot off, so I take off the rubber and tug it out onto her tits. We say our goodbyes, I grab a road beer, light up a smoke, and after a quick cabride back it's about 4. That means 15 minutes of sleep before my alarm goes off. What fun. But hey, I'm no prick. I'm not about to complain about getting some tight Vegas vag. Anyway, that about wraps up the fun. Hope you enjoyed reading all about our fun in the brightest city in the world. Now start planning your own trip!

Ridin' the Deuce Part Duex

2007-04-09T11:03:00.000-05:00

Saw the Bellagio fountains and the Mirage volcano. The volcano was awesome, an orgasm of flying fire and brimstone. They even set the water and the rocks on fire. Sweet. The fountains were also pretty cool, but I don't think they lived up to their potential because the song we saw them playing was that Celine Dion song from the Titanic. So it was kinda hard to get into, but the potential was definitely there. They shoot the water up and light it all to the tune of different songs every time, so we just came at a shitty time, because who wants to hear that bullshit? They really could have done something awesome with it, like "Bulls on Parade," but what can you say? It's a cool idea anyway. We tried to see the naked pirate show at TI twice, but it was canceled due to high winds. What kind of pirates are afraid of a little breeze? Pussies. (ED Note: Officially, it is known as 'Sirens at the TI,' not the naked pirate show. Although that is a good description.)

They put these double decker buses on the Strip that run you up and down all day for five bucks. Sweet deal, cause that Strip is long as fuck. And those damn Mexicans get annoying after awhile. And of course, they name these things the Deuce (what with being double decker and all). Which led to countless pathetic, immature jokes about riding a packed Deuce, or taking a long Deuce up to the Wynn, or a less crowded 'loose Deuce'. Sure, we're completely immature and think like children, but hey, everyone around was laughing with us too. So go fuck yourself.

We spent a lot of time in the MGM Grand's sportsbook because it was close and a hell of a lot cooler than the Luxor's. At the Luxor, they have one of those giant projection screens that granted, is pretty big, but they don't broadcast in HD and the overall picture is very washed out and dark looking. So we went to MGM where we could get cheap beer from next door in less than two minutes, and they had dozens and dozens of HD flat screens. The best part about that place was watching the lions eat. They kept lions in a glass cage, and you could walk underneath the enclosure and look up at them eating. But they didn't eat some pussy dry formula or anything like that. They fed those bitches fucking ropes of meat. They got raw ass meat, and strung it together into a rope. And you got to watch the lions just tear that shit apart. Not as cool as if they fed them something living, but it was cool as shit watching them rip apart raw meat. (I took a picture of it, but it's grainy and not all that clear, so we're running a stock photo.)

The second night we were there, we went to this bar called the rumjungle. Which of course, led to cumjungle jokes. But they had the most smoking hot bartender I have ever seen. Now, in Vegas, you can't throw a quarter without hitting one of the hottest girls you've ever seen. This bartender put them all to shame though. Brown hair, about 5'8", tight leather string up vest, maybe 100 lbs, skintight black pants. She kept her lighter and her bottle opener in her pants, so every time she reached for one of them, she pulled her pants down to show her red whale tail. It kept us from leaving the bar at all the entire night. That's not what this story is about though. This is about how Shawn Mc, after two Sailor Jerry and Cokes, decided he wanted to tackle the most alcoholic drink they had - the volcano. Five different rums mixed with some fruity ass juice. Well, the volcano is the strongest drink they have - unless you've been flirting with the smoking hot bartender all night and she throws a shot of Stroh 160 proof rum on top of all that. Needless to say, the Mc couldn't even sign his own tab, I had to forge his name. So while me and Steveo are trying to guide him to our room, he hops on some old guys rascal who's sitting at a craps table. Luckily, we pulled him off before security came and beat his ass, but not without a fight. He was all boozed-up and retard strong, determined to get away with this guys electric scooter. After that near-catastrophe, we carried him by his shoulders and feet to the elevator. Up on the floor, he kept leaning a bit too far over the railing on the way to our tenth floor room of the Luxor; Steveo, in perfect shithead, i'mgonnabeadrunkenhero fashion, took trying to save him from a fall a bit too far. As I told him to go grab Shawn, he takes off down the hallway, lowers his shoulder, and delivers a picture perfect spear that would put Goldberg to shame. The Mc was down and out for a minute - I guess he just got the wind out of him, but at the time I was convinced he was either unconscious or had a broken spine. We finally get Shawn into the room, and our boy Dennis is passed out in bed, drunk and upset from losing several hundred dollars on the night. Armed with this information, Shawn decides it would be great idea to start elbow dropping Dennis. Except that every time he dives onto the bed, Dennis kicks him as hard as he can off the bed, slamming his body into the wall. I swear I thought he would at the least crack a rib he was hitting the wall so hard, especially on top of being drilled in his ribs five minutes before and getting driven to the ground. After being slammed into the wall and falling to the floor about five or six times, he finally couldn't get up anymore, and simply passed out in the one foot space between the wall and Dennis' bed. That leaves me and Steveo downstairs drinking Corona's and Jack & waters, playing blackjack until 5:30. We then moved to the bar, got a few more drinks and won enough at video poker to cover our tab. At that point, it was close to6:30 or 7, and we were getting hungry. This could have been the best part of our hotel - we had a 24 hour McDonalds, with the dollar menu! Finally after eating some burgers, we head up to crash for the night. At this point, Shawn has crawled into the other bed and is out. Before I head to my cot, however, Dennis wakes up and warns us that Shawn got up and pissed all over the floor between the two beds. This leads to the three of us yelling MC Pee Pants and screaming the "I Want Candy" song for at least the next 20 minutes. Finally, we went to crash but Steveo refused to sleep in his bed (which Shawn was in) because he didn't want to get pissed on, and he wouldn't sleep in Dennis' bed because Shawn woke up the night before with Dennis spooning him. So he took two couch cushions and a blanket and slept in the corner of the room all week. No way he that was comfortable. The next morning Shawn woke up with a huge cut/scrape/welt/sore on his elbow... shit was seriously at least halfway up his arm and deep, ugly purple. Not sure if it was from the spear, or getting kicked into the wall repeatedly, or both, but I do know he could barely move his arm that day, and he was pretty hurt all week. And of course he stopped being Shawn Mc and became MC Pee Pants for the rest of the week. All in all, a good night.

Ridin' the Deuce

2007-04-08T19:32:00.000-05:00

Time for the long awaited, hotly anticipated Vegas post. But before we get to that, some paparazzi friends of mine in Florida happened to run into Black Jesus down there and sent me a picture, so I figured I'd pass it along to you guys. Enjoy!

Like I said before, the best part of Vegas is the open container law. There is nothing better than walking down the street and having a beer. Or a Jack and water. Or a yard of margarita from La Salsa (translation The Salsa). It is such an inconvenience to have to chug your drink and then be empty for the walk. How refreshing! And the craziest part was that there was never any problems. Everyone was in control, there was no disturbing the peace - the biggest nuisance about all of it was the illegal Mexicans that stood on the corner trying to flap baseball cards with hookers on them at you.

We had a room at the Luxor - the black pyramid that with the light shooting out the top. It was four of us in the room; Dennis, Shawn Mc, Steveo and myself. I took a cot, Dennis and Shawn shared a bed one night, then each got their own, and Steve eventually wound up on the floor. But I'll get to that story later.

There's nothing better than a $5 blackjack table; unless you sit down and get shelled by some Armenian dealer, who just sits there with this shit eating grin, and doesn't even apologize when he flips a face from under his nine to beat your fucking 18 for the fucking third time in a fucking row. FUCK! At least the free Jack's help.

As much as you think anything goes in Vegas - and for the record, I didn't see one official cop the whole week - if you go anywhere near a casino, you'll get carded three times before you get within thirty feet of a table. What a pain in the ass. And speaking of age, I couldn't believe the number of kids there. So many parents brought little ass kids to the Strip. How dumb is that? There's nothing for them to do there, and a lot of casinos even have certain restrictions regarding kids. That leaves them with little options to do other than the pool all day. And that week was not exactly poolside weather. The parents, because you can't take your little kids anywhere, have nothing to do either. You can't gamble, you can't drink, you can't even visit the casinos to check them out. Your stuck at the pool. You're in the middle of a desert, and it certainly isn't pool weather in March. Go to fucking Disneyworld you dumb pricks.

Man, I just got really stoned during Entourage. Part Two tomorrow....

All Hail Kevin Durant

2007-04-08T11:54:00.000-05:00

It's time that everyone recognizes the meaning of true greatness. Everyone bow to your first ever freshman winner of the Naismith, Adolph Rupp and Oscar Robertson Awards. Kneel before a man who has swept all six Player Of The Year awards. The only player in the top ten nationally for scoring and rebounding. My friends, on this Easter Sunday, as we try to remember all that church crap we forgot about years ago (like WTF is Lent??), I think we have found not just a man, but the true Jesus Christ himself, resurrected - and he was bad ass enough not to have to die first to do it. If only the Sixers hadn't played themselves out of a top 2 draft pick... but oh well, I can dream of luck in the lottery. Let me dream, it's all I have left dammit!

IT'S A PSYCHOBILLY FREAKOUT!

2007-04-07T20:58:00.001-05:00

love that little fucks jersey

Random Notes

2007-04-07T18:14:00.000-05:00

First off, loyal readers (all none of you), I'd like to say sorry that we've been pretty slow this week. Between school, working and the God known as Guitar Hero II releasing on 360, it's been an involved week. And a TON of shit has happened since we've been gone that I want to comment on, so I'm gonna go with a Shanoff-style bullet point post.

OK, so Colin Cowherd totally fucked the big lead - I'm not gonna say too much about it because it seems like everyone is in agreement that he was a no talent hack before the incident and that he's a pathetic no talent hack after. Let's just say it sucked to have the big lead gone for 3 days... I could just start getting it to load about an hour ago. It's funny how the Worldwide Leader is so clearly threatened by the growing blog community.

Billy Donovan stays at Florida, Rick Barnes stays at Texas (they could have taken him), Bob Huggins dips out of K-State, and Billy Gillespie goes to Kentucky. Everyone seems to think he's perfect there because they need recruiting, but let's not cum in our pants just yet. UK needs a lot of work, and Billy isn't gonna start pulling All-Americans out of his ass. As for Huggins, he really couldn't come out of this thing looking good; last year, it seemed like K-State was the only place that would give him a shot and now hes bolting just like that. Hard to fault the guy though. If anyone should be taking the heat that Hugs is, it's Gillespie. He agreed to a contract with A & M, and simply waited just long enough before signing it that he could walk.

So that jap pitcher for the Sox that everybody seems to love so much looks good. Doubt he'll end up being worth all the money, but I guess the firestorm with the international press will help even some of that out. It'll be interesting to see how he holds up over the year and where he falls in line with guys like Santana and Halladay in the AL. Pay attention after everyone's seen him at least once - that will be the real test.

In more proof that the media climate is changing, a blogger incited a Major League Baseball investigation into K-Rod. It's funny how the Angels seem irritated that anyone is even giving them shit for this, especially when it's pretty fucking obvious that something is up.

Bill Belichik busted up another marriage. I knew the guy was a lowlife, but I gotta hand it to him. I mean, who seriously would have ever guessed he'd be able to pull two different chicks from their husbands? Shut up, you did not.

I gotta hand it to A-Rod... he got it done today. Ninth inning, two outs, bases loaded, down one - and he strikes - wait no he hit a game winning grand slam?!? And those pisshead Yankee fans will still boo him next time he grounds out. They're gonna miss him when they boo him into an Angels uniform next year.

So Tiger Woods stormed back to one behind the leader? That means the jacket is all but his tomorrow.

Have you read Anna Nicole's diary? Jesus Christ, I almost feel bad for her. That bitch was fucking retarded. Not like Miss Howard Stern dumb, but seriously full-on, can't function in reality because your head is a brick type retarded. I think Timmy from South Park could beat her on an IQ test. (And while I'm linking to What Would Tyler Durden Do, here's Sloane from Entourage's nipple. I shouldn't have to mention it's NSFW.)

As I was watching the Phillies game while typing this I heard a fun fact - Antonio Alfonseca is known as the octopus because he has six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot. That is fucking gross. I almost threw up in my beer. This image is forever burned in my head, and now yours too.

OK, I feel bad about doing that to you. So here's a little swank to make up for it.

That's it for now. I'm gonna go get five stars on John the Fisherman.

GO GATORS!

2007-04-04T19:35:00.000-05:00

Well let's start by informing everyone that I'm going to be in Florida for the next week, sunshine baby sunshine, and while I'm gone its going to be up to JooFace and Shawn Mc, or more likely just JooFace, to hold down the blog. That being said, I'm sure you are in for an, um how do you say it, "interesting" week of NASCAR. By the way, calling out Golf or Tennis or especially Swimming as a fake sport is absolutely ridiculous. I mean, there is no athletic ability necessary and the sport was born in the deep south so its not like it has the qualifications of being a skill sport either. The only thing that is entertaining is the crashes but I could just Youtube those the next day. Enjoy watching cars drive in circles!

Is there anything better than being right? I love the fact that my favorite team, Gators BABY, just won back-to-back National Championships and went ahead and threw a Football Championship in there as well. Corey Brewer, Al Horford and Lee "GOD" Humphries hit every big shot to completely demoralize Ohio State the entire game. Although Oden nearly caused the entire Florida frontcourt to foul out, he obviously ran out of gas towards the end of the game and was stuck with teammates who could not hit a three to save their life. I personally love the fact that we have crushed the Ohio State University in the past two major college championship games and changed their nickname to THE SECOND PLACE UNIVERSITY! Anyways, I've pretty much come to the conclusion that Billy Donovan is going to leave for Kentucky and we're going to shrivle back to the east coast version of UCLA, but thats okay with me because we just won back-to-back championships! Therefore, I'm leaving you with a list of 50 reasons why I like the number 2.

Back-to-Back titles are so sweet!
It's the number for poop.
It's the number of championships won by both Florida's basketball and football programs.
It's 2 more championships than any Philadelphia sports team since 1983.
It's Derek Jeter's number, but he Hates Gay-Rod so he earns a little respect.
Wow, just for the record, Keith Richards snorted his dad's ashes? Weird. That has to be fake. http://www.wtopnews.com/?sid=1105822&nid=114. Wow, doesn't he look fucking old? I'm too young to remember differently but If I see Dave Groehl looking like that in 20 years then I'm going to rescind my desire to be a rock star. Wait, no I wont, I want to be a fucking rockstar, I bet he still gets some hot ass. He probably does have to pay for it though.
Did you know that Tom Brady has 2 Illegitimate Children, he's just like one of us. Are there any legitimate children in professional sports?
Michael Ray Richardson has now been kicked out of 2 basketball leagues.
2 is 1/4 of the number of gold medals that Phelps will win in the next Olympics.
2 is also 3 championships less than America's Team. Go Cowboys.

Okay so I really didn't care after number 1 but fuck you I'm going to Florida. One last warning, if you find yourself reading a Jooish post about NASCAR and pondering why you are debating the athletic ability necessary in racing cars, always remember that you should probably kill yourself.

*Also, According to Sports Business Journal, Tiger Woods is the most marketable athlete in professional sports. So much for no face time.

Swimming is a Crock of Shit

2007-04-01T20:00:00.000-05:00

OK I can't sit here and take this any longer. Jesus just wrote an entire full length post about fucking swimming. No way in hell could I let that shit go down. Nobody gives a fuck that some drunk driving asshole won a couple races in some event that isn't even the Olympics. No one even cares when it IS the Olympics, check the Nielsen's. So what if this douchebag maybe jumped early, but maybe he didn't, and some other buttplug didn't win because of it and all this nonsense stopped him from dominating a sport that no one cares about? Look at Roger Federer - just as dominant, but he plays tennis so no one cares. Even Tiger Woods gets hardly any face time when he wins five or six tournaments in a row - NO ONE CARES ABOUT THESE FAKE ASS SPORTS. Time to bring back the entertainment.

Today is a really solid day of sports. The Pheonix - Dallas games carry alot of stories and subplots, even if this one was somewhat less dramatic. And while I could care less about watching the Cardinals or the Mets, it does signal the start of baseball again which is fucking great. Plus Wrestlemania is tonight... I'll be downloading that one tomorrow.

The best sports event today, however was hands down the Goody's Cool Orange 500 in Martinsville, Virginia. In a race full of cautions (13 in all) and even a red flag rain delay, you still couldn't have asked for more excitement. Cars were loose all day as everyone is adjusting to the Car of Tomorrow. The fastest car on the track could come into pit road and lose all of it's advantage. Even when Jimmie Johnson took off for the last 100+ laps, it was still anyone's race. The whole thing was an edge of your seat affair, especially after the red flag when the track was slick and the rubber wasn't gripping as well. Every turn was a spin out waiting to happen. And in the end, it came down to teammates Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon running 1 - 2.

After the restart, it was clear that neither of them would be challenged by the rest of the pack. With 18 laps left, they were going green again and Gordon was clearly looking to take the inside. He tried through every turn to get the inside, but Jimmie fought him off every time. It was obvious he was going to have to take Jimmie out of the way. But he wouldn't do it. He was clearly bumping him on every turn, but he never really got into Jimmie's side. He was driving clean and respectable against not just a teammate, but a prodigy he mentored himself. Had Gordon not brought Jimmie up through the Hendricks Racing ranks, he might not have made it to the big time. With every passing turn and every lap ticking closer to the checkered flag, Jeff was clearly tempted. He could have easily spun Jimmie and the race would have been his. Finally on the last turn of the dance he had to do something - and he did. He did the only thing he could have done - he got under Jimmie and bumped him twice. He tried to move him out of the way, but when it didn't work, he backed off before he took either of them out of it. He let his teammate take the flag and in the process showed the sportsmanship and wisdom too often missing from sports. He had respect for the man ahead of him, and he knew bickering within the same ownership would only cause trouble for both of them for the rest of the season. In the end, he chose the smart route, taking the second most points out of Virginia. And even though you could see the frustration on his face as Jimmie was given the Ridgeway clock - you can see he was able to justify this near photo finish.

I'm sure that plenty of people just like me were psyched up for the Final Four yesterday - and then were fucking embarrassed by the level of play and the way both games unfolded. GT and OSU was completely underwhelming as Oden got in foul trouble early, and he and Hibbert barely played directly against each other. And Florida sleepwalked through a game that UCLA just plain slept through. The Gators looked like they could care less, and if they play like that tomorrow, they won't repeat. And if that happens, I'll be incredibly happy because the Black Jesus is an avid and completely obnoxious Gator fan. If they win tomorrow, I may just have to kill him, leaving this blog with only one actual contributor. Although that might be good for the readers - especially the ones who appreciate good grammar and intellectually structured sentences.

I didn't watch any of the baseball game, but it looks like the Mets have it all wrapped up in the 9th. Fuck. Oh well. They still have no chance - it's the Phillies year. When their pitching falls apart in two months, they'll have zero fucking chance.

I should be back mid-day tomorrow with a Vegas post but as always I don't promise anything. I may even try a running diary for the game, with of course a break for 24, but don't get your panties in a bunch. I might not be that motivated yet.

Phelps and Cynics

2007-03-31T11:12:00.000-05:00

First of all, I'm going to go ahead and start typing Occasional Joo again because I just realized that if we start abbreviating our names then I become BJ. Due to the possibility that I woud be known as an oral pleasure, I will allow the Occasional Joo to have his full name back (He still has aids though).

Anyways as you may have heard, the ladies are back from Vegas and still party like a bunch of high school kids, but I guess some people just never learn. However, during their self-proclaimed vacation of debauchery I hope that they were able to catch some stories about how global domination is in the hands of one American. That man is Michael Phelps.

(Something for the Joo to beat it to)

Okay, I know that no one really gives a shit about swimming, but this level of domination has been absolutely unheard of. At the World Championships in Melbourne this past week, Phelps swam seven events and he didn't just win gold in all of them but set world records in five of them. His closest competition the entire week was from Americans Ryan Lochte in the IM events and Ian Crocker in the butterfly events. Crocker, the current world record holder in the 100 fly, was caught by Phelps on the finish and was noticably upset with the result. I personally feel as though Crocker is a more bitter version of Scottie Pippen to Phelps' Michael Jordan. On the next day of competition, Phelps had the opportunity to win an unprecedented eighth gold medal and attempt to set his 6th world record had the U.S. not been disqualified for a false start in the preliminaries of the 400 Medley Relay. The name of the swimmer who false started? You guessed it, Ian Crocker. This is where the controversy begins.

Phelps had the chance to make history, he would have taken Crocker's spot in the butterfly leg of the Medley Relay in the finals, but Crocker dq's in prelims? It may just be me but maybe there is something to the thought of Crocker being upset about the fact that Phelps has stolen all of his thunder, has become the golden boy of swimming and is starting to dominate him in his best event. Maybe Crocker is tired of hearing about the possibility of Michael Phelps breaking Mark Spitz's record for Gold Medals won during a single Olympics. Maybe this was a warning of whats going to happen in Beijing if he beats him in the 100 fly there. Hell, maybe Crocker was just jealous that Phelps is getting as much hot female swimmer Amanda Beard quality ass as he possibly can get while Crocker gets stuck with the left over swim chicks who bench more than Brady Quinn and have beards. Or maybe, he just made a little mistake.

(This is why Ian Crocker hates Michael Phelps)

The fact is that Crocker jumped the gun only .04 seconds before Scott Usher touched in breaststroke. Now, I know that I could not make myself false start by only .04 seconds, then again I dont practice for 5 hours everyday. I also know that in relays swimmers are supposed to push their starts to the point of false starting without actually leaving before the touch, so it may just be a case of bad timing. Then again maybe Crocker just decided to start a little bit earlier this time.

Now, if anyone who has read this actually believes that Crocker may have false started on purpose, I would like to say you are an ignorant asshole and a gullible bastard. Of course Ian Crocker is a little bitter about losing the 100 Fly, he is the world record holder and was ahead of everyone the entire race until he was caught by due to a bad finish. Was his bitterness directed at Phelps, absolutely not, remember Phelps gave up his spot in the 400 Medley Relay to Crocker at the Athens Olympics so that Crocker could receive a gold medal as well. On top of that, the U.S. was the top seed heading into the relay this past weekend and were virtually assured of a gold medal. Tell me, would you false start and give up a gold medal just so you could prevent someone else from winning one?

This just proves that the world is full of cynical assholes who want to put controversy in place of mistakes and overshadow greatness with accusations of cheating. I'm sure someone has thought that Phelps has to be on (insert illegal supplement here), or has thought that he has an unfair advantage in one way or another. To those people I would like to issue a giant Fuck You, you dont even like sports so stop acting like you do. If you can not accept the fact that someone can achieve a great feat without being a negative asshole then stop watching sports because you are not a fan. Here at THHY we are fans, the Gus Johnson to your Billy Packer.

Now I'm going to end this by switching to hoops for a little bit. I hope you get a chance to enjoy witnessing greatness on Monday when Florida faces Ohio State for the NCAA Championship. We will see either a giant, Greg Oden, win a championship or see the Florida Gators repeat as National Championships. But you probably think that all basketball players are on steroids anyways.

Taking Back The Blog

2007-03-31T10:16:00.000-05:00

Well, we're back. And Vegas is absolutely batshit crazy. You can walk in a Walgreen's, get some snacks, some condoms, a stupid ass Las Vegas shirt, and best of all, a 24oz big boy can of Bud Light for $2 plus tax. Then you can carry that beer outside, throw away the brown paper bag and drink it until your heart's content. Better yet, you can take it into any bar, casino or sports book. So if your watching the Lakers and the Warriors, praying that they hit the under at 224.5, and you don't feel like paying $6 plus tip for a 12oz bottle at the MGM Grand... well then sir you take a two minute walk across the street, buy 4 big boys, and bring them right back in with you. Or you could go to O'Sheas and order $1 High Life drafts and top 'em off with the $2 "Cabo Wabo" shots - they even salt the rim of the shot glass for you. Not that I believe they were really Cabo, but I digress. I'm getting ahead of myself here. I plan on posting a huge recap of all things Vegas, but not yet.

Right now, it seems that BJ decided to be a little punk bitch and take some potshots while we were gone so I guess I have to take care of that first. So without further ado, I present to you:

TONY ROMO - PRO BOWL QUARTERBACK

Suck on that asshole.

Dirty Dungy

2007-03-27T19:56:00.001-05:00

Sometimes in life you find out things that you really didn't want to know. First it was when I found out that Santa was a fake (way to ruin all my dreams mom and dad look at where I am now a 21 year old lifeguard who posts random thoughts about sports on a website, its all your fault). Second was when Michael Irvin got caught with cocaine, I mean seriously who saw that coming. Thirdly and most importantly was when I realized that all Eagles fans are actually flaming homosexuals and HUGE John Amaechi fans (Actually I knew that last one my whole life, Troy Aikman told me that while he was busy winning three of our 5 Super Bowls, Randall Cunningham was busy making sweet man love with Ron Jaworski). However, the best discovery of the past week was when we found out that Tony Dungy, the NFL's Model Citizen, turned out to be a big Tim Hardaway Fan.

Thats right Tony Dungy, the coach who doesn't curse, doesn't like gays. Dont believe me? Check it out. http://withleather.com/post.phtml?pk=2414

Although his quote does not directly say that he hates gays or is homophobic, he clearly feels self-righteous about his beliefs and is against the thought of gay marriage.

Here at THHY, we would like to make it known that we completely support Dungy and his anti-gay marriage philosophy. Now I dont have anything against gay relationships, OJ and Shawn Mc have had one for a long time, but the main reason I am against gay marriage is because of the tax-breaks they would receive. Those tax-breaks are there to benefit married couples who are starting a family and need money to help raise children, not for the couples who lack the scientific ability to reproduce. For you cynics out there, it is nearly impossible for John Amaechis to adopt because of the screwed up situation the child would be placed in, that is unless your rich gays.

Okay although I realize that I have completely bashed gays there, I do want throw out my support for real lesbians. I'm not talking about the 6'5" female basketball player lesbians that Pokey "Sticky Fingers" Chatman likes to recruit. I'm talking about the lesbians that we've dreamed about since puberty. If I ever meet a couple of real lesbians who are around 5'6" 115 lbs and gorgeous, I will argue to death about their rights to adopt and be married. As long as I get to watch the honeymoon!

Speaking of that, I thought college was supposed to be my prime chance to meet hot lesbians. Man was I wrong, real lesbians are the Santa's of the grown man. Your friends tell you stories about seeing them but you haven't yet. You keep holding out for your chance but it never comes. Then one day, you may be watching sports center or looking up porn when your girlfriend/hook-up buddy comes up to you and informs you that Real Lesbians don't exist. Nothing is more depressing than that moment, everything you've thought of and worked towards since being a 12 year old boy is gone. Now the only chance you'll ever get to seeing lesbians hook up is at a Girls Rugby Team party, but those aren't real lesbians.

Hey, there's always hope of a three-some though!

Finally, I don't want to come off like Bill Simmons here and spend the entire back end of my post telling you about other things on the internet, but heres a couple things that I found worth wasting some time.

If you ever wondered what a Star Wars Rap would look and sound like, here you go. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8s7PIGVZow

Oh and in case you wondered what instigated the Levi Jones-Joey Porter love-fight check this one out http://www.themightymjd.com/2007/03/20/joey-porterlevi-jones-fight-the-transcript/

Thats all I have for now, enjoy and if your gay dont even think about getting married!

Florida, Gilbert, Kobe and More

2007-03-26T12:37:00.000-05:00

Okay so I realize that I am officially a giant vagina for not going out to Vegas this weekend with the Occasional Joo and Shawn Mc, but if I left then no one would be here to rant. Therefore I gave up a week of Vegas for you, I gave up a week of Gambling and Prostitutes for you, be grateful you little pricks. By the way I also gave up Vegas because I'm poor. By the way I'm tired of typing Occasional Joo, I'm just going to call him OJ because they both probably have aids and are killers. Anyways this was a pretty cool weekend of hoops, between Kobe and the Tourney I cant be disappointed. So on with the Post!

First off let me say that I actually didn't eat complete shit with my bracket, I picked 3 of the 4 final four teams only missing out on those John Amaechi loving homos from Texas A&M. Seriously the only reason you went to A&M is because UT didn't recruit you (For the record, apparently this sight has a horrible man-crush on A&M considering that all of us had them in the Final Four and OJ was dumb enough to pick them to win it all). This past weekend proved that Florida is easily the best team in college hoops. Oregon was double and triple teaming Noah and Horford all day and all they did was dish it out to Taurean Green and Lee Humphreys to drain it from the outside or give it up to Corey Brewer so he could dunk over a midget. If you play man on them then they will penetrate all day and dominate you, if you play zone then they will hit it from outside all day, there is no beating them. Ohio State looks good but I think they will have trouble against teams that have the size to match up with them, Georgetown and Florida come to mind. UCLA is easily the blacksheep of the group and although I like them I dont think they're going to make it past Florida.

The UNC-Georgetown game proved my drunk rant to be correct. Do not bet on teams that rely heavily on their white players. Tyler Hansbrough was good in the beginning scoring ten points in the first 5 minutes, but he dissapeared when it mattered scoring only two points in the final ten minutes. No I dont blame him, I blame Roy Williams. When your up by ten with 8 minutes to go a good idea would be to work the clock, pound it inside and let your big man do the work. Especially since your best player Hansbrough is a 76% foul shooter, which is not too shabby. You know what, maybe Williams pulled the Rick Barnes approach and made sure they didn't win in order to try to convince his studs to stick around until they win a National Championship.

Skipping forward to the NBA, Kobe Bryant has officially proved that he is by far the best player in the league. Four straight games of 50 points or more and the best part about it is it was for the good of the team. The Lakers went 4-0 over that stretch so for those of you thinking ball-hog or team killer, go to hell because you do not know anything about hoops. Now I can understand people not liking the guy, but you can't say that anyone is a better player than this guy. Now if Kobe had the crazy personality of Gilbert Arenas we would have the most entertaining player in the league.

On to Agent Zero, Gilbert Arenas is the best thing that has happened to the NBA in a long time. I think that its ridiculous that he was reprimanded by the league for making stupid little bets with fans about hitting a game-winning shot. Whats wrong with making a stupid $10 dollar bet with a fan who may have otherwise lost interest in the game or left early, both of which have become trends at sporting events lately. On top of that, what if it was a casual fan who attends one or two games a season? You seriously dont think that this fan will start going to almost every game he possibly can if he knows that Gilbert is playing.

Also, Screw the Commisioner. David Stern is KILLING basketball. The NBA is missing the fun factor that made all of us fans to begin with. Players now get a technical for showing any emotion on the court, you can't celebrate a dunk or complain about a bad call without your team giving up possession and a foul shot. This would be the equivalent of giving a penalty to a football player for excessive celebration when he flips into the endzone, oh wait they do that now. Damn. I propose giving technical fouls only when celebration is clearly ill-advised, such as a huge dunk when your down by 30 or when the other team starts getting into a fight with your home fans. Otherwise, let the taunting begin.

When I play a game of basketball or even beer pong with my friends I talk so much shit when I'm winning. Hell I talk shit when I'm losing, I never stop talking shit. If I were in the NBA I would get fined 3 or 4 times a week. The shit-talking goes both ways too, kind of like OJ's Mom, if my athletically challenged friends somehow beat me in anything that involves competition then I expect them to talk as much shit to me as possible. During this time, I will defiantly stand by the fact that they cheated in some fashion. In short, hopefully Gilbert will be the guy who brings emotion back into the game and makes it entertaining again, not just for the players but for the fans.

Vegas, Baby.... Vegas

2007-03-23T17:27:00.001-05:00

2007-03-23T17:24:00.001-05:00

I am so money baby. In 12 hours, I'll be on a plane to Vegas. For a week. With Shawn Mc and two of our friends. Who are both insane and will probably get us all killed. Hopefully I'll run into Joey Porter playing blackjack and take his 10 card - I could use a piece of that $20 mil guaranteed after he powerbombs me through the table. So neither of us will be posting until next weekend (and yeah I know that Shawn Mc hasn't posted yet - we're gonna put him in a sharpshooter if he doesn't soon). We'll have a huge recap of everything that happened. Until then, my colleague Black Jesus has some big things planned as he runs this place by himself for a week (God help us all), so check back for more of his socially-conscious, introspective, and thought-provoking pieces until we get back.

As a quick aside, I love the new firefox. Halfway through writing this, my power went out and I cursed up a storm thinking I lost all of it. Well when I restarted and opened firefox to start over, it told me that it would recover my last session, and there I was staring at everything I had just typed, as well as the four or five other tabs I had open. That's fucking incredible and it might have saved an innocent man's life.

OK, back to the real point of the post. I clearly don't know anything as A & M lost to Memphis last night. Fucking MEMPHIS?!?! Someone tell me who the fuck Memphis is. Unfortunately, I think Florida is gonna roll tonight and Vandy might play G'Town close, but lose in the end. Of course that probably means Florida will get blown out, and Vandy won't even show up, but whatever. You're not better than me. I've heard a lot of USC upset talk, but I don't buy it. Hansbrough and Wright are just too much inside, even with Reyshawn Terry's strep throat. And really, what the fuck is up with that name? Could his parents not decide between Ray and Shawn and just decide to combine them? Seriously, I know people's names are getting more and more retarded all the time, but it's getting old. Give your kid a real name - shoving two different names together is not fucking creative.

I wanted to say more, but I can't even think straight knowing that I'll be in Vegas in less than a day. The debauchery is already clouding my brain. The little bunnies are just sitting there waiting, afraid, timid. And I'm a big fucking bear with big fucking claws and teeth. Its gonna be a loooong week.

Why I Love Steroids

2007-03-20T13:11:00.000-05:00

So I decided that I might try to post something a little more grammatically correct since my BAC has finally dropped down below the legal limit. Now in this new found state of sobriety, I am saddened to hear that steroids have tainted the one sport which I firmly believed they would not be able to affect. That is the wonderful world of professional wrestling, the WWE.

Thats right, STEROIDS is prevalent in professional wrestling.

Okay so maybe no one is actually surprised by this, but isn't wrestling fake? Does taking steroids boost your chances of winning a rigged fight? No wonder these guys are professional wrestlers. I mean how many steel chairs, bats, ladders (0r park and ride signs) to the head does it take for someone to believe that taking steroids will boost your chances of winning a match that you and your opponent/dancing partner have rehearsed numerous times.

This has earned all of them a call-out. I'm calling out Kurt Angle, Rey Mysterio (Oscar Guttierez he is not), Randy Orton, Edge, Shane Helms and the deceased Eddie Guererro. You are all a bunch of retards, congratulations on attempting to cheat in a sport where performance enhancers dont help you. I now consider all of you part of the John Amaechi fan club you big group of gays, go practice your routine with your dancing partner then go ahead and share the needles you inject into each others butts. I sincerely hope you enjoy aids and your new man boobs. LONG LIVE SHAWN MICHAELS.

Why do I always sound angry? Because people are stupid.

Quick Phillies Rant

2007-03-19T21:40:00.000-05:00

Last year, the Phils traded Rheal Cormier for Justin Germano, a young pitcher with some potential. Today, in true Phillies fashion, we placed him on waivers, letting the Padres scoop him up. Now, he was no staff ace, no unhittable machine. And granted, I would rather have my grandmother running the team then Ed Wade, but we are becoming notorious for being on the wrong end of deals and it hasn't stopped with Pat Gillick. He didn't negotiate the Burrell deal that is currently crippling us, but he did give away Vicente Padilla, Cormier, and even Bobby Abreu for either prospects or minor leaguers who will not help the big league team. This is ridiculous for a team that is in contention for the playoffs and needs severe bullpen help. It just makes me sick that instead of trying a promising guy in a weak area for our team, we're content to just give them away and try to patch things up with has beens and never will bes.

Weekend Recap

2007-03-19T09:37:00.000-05:00

Ok, so Texas lost to USC. Hardly consolation for last year's Rose Bowl, so you Trojan fans can still sit and spin. Kevin Durant was still incredible (30 of UT's 68 points, plus 9 boards) and AJ Abrams had 20. DJ Augustin only had 6, and unfortunately he never horribly mutilated a knee on one of his bullshit out of control drives to the hoop that end with him getting blocked to the court. Asshole.

Anyway, Jimmie Johnson won again too. What a horrible day. He forced Tony Stewart into the wall with about 3 laps to go, ensuring a win. No way was Tony catching back up after bouncing his front fender off that concrete. Now I'm no Smoke apologist - a well aimed cruise missile at the front of that pack would have made me much happier than either of those two arrogant fucks winning, but oh well. And by the way, what's up with no one having any love for the man in the Jack car, #07 Clint Bowyer? He's had two 6 places, and would be much higher than 9th in the points if he didn't crash out of his top 10 place in Vegas a few weeks ago with less than 30 laps to go. He's looking like a dark horse not to just make the Chase, but contend for a top spot. Someone needs to give this guy a little love.

Let me get back to the tournament for a second. No team looks safe. I know everyone is sucking Kansas' collective dick, but they played Kentucky, easily the worst team any of the 1 seeds played in the second round. And they're in a region where all top 4 seeds have advanced. So if they beat the Saluki's, which is by far no lock, they get either Pitt or UCLA. I have UCLA over Va-Tech personally, so clearly I'm a jackass, but still - I stand by the Bruins.

Florida never seemed to really get it together against Butler. Sure they pulled out the win, but they all look like they are looking forward to taking a break, putting on their dresses (Joakhim Noah) and sitting back fucking sorority girls until draft time. Oregon takes them out.

UNC has never really looked like a 1 seed to me. But, I had them taking out GT so I'm sticking with it. They don't have a chance of winning it all though, no matter who else they play.

Ohio State should get by Tennessee with minimal trouble, but then lose to eventually tourney champ A&M. And it kills me to say that. I HATE A&M. I do. And I hope Acie Law IV tears every ligament in both knees after falling off the ladder while trying to cut down the net during 'One Shining Moment.' Only a prick would spell his name Acie, and only a prick would put Law IV on his jersey. Fuck you, theres no other Law on your team, drop the pretentious number.

So other then the Celtics getting fined and Kobe dropping 115 in two games, nothing much seemed to happen in the NBA this weekend. That leaves the clear highlight of this weekend the 18 hour debauchery that was Saturday. The tournament breaks until Thursday, but we'll be back before that to share our insight and knowledge with you lucky readers. After all, the words on this page are scripture. Except for any negative comments, those are blaspemy.

Drunk Tonight

2007-03-18T00:57:00.000-05:00

So tonight started off fairly well, hooked up with a girl for a lil bit, rounded second base then got cut off, shit happens. Okay so now I feel like posting some shit about basketball while the Occasional Jew and Shawn Mc argue about nascar, what the fuck.

Anyways, my bracket kinda sucks now due to the occasional upset or 3 so fuck brackets, but I seriously would like to say that the Big Ten is the largest piece of shit conference in the world, fuck 'Zona for losing to Purdue, I hope Chase Buddinger comes out of the fucking closet and lets everyone know that he blew the game for coke. Most importantly though, fuck Illinois for losing to V-Tech, and fuck Bruce Weber for being an absolutely horrible coach. Seriously how do you blow such a huge lead that late in the game (They were up by 12 with 8 minutes to go)? Wasn't he in the Championship Game a couple years ago (Probably due to the fact that he inherited a team recruited by Bill Self)? I think he needs to start recruiting from Indiana instead of Illinois more than Coach K needs to start recruiting black players.

Now getting started on Duke, they lost to a team out of the CAA, so what if VCU plays full court press the whole game and just jacks up 3's to go along with the occasional hard foul on Greg Paulus, who prolly should have taken his football scholarship instead. It seemed as though playing like a bunch of gays was apparently too much for the school that loves to rape bitches. Coach K should start recruiting blathletes again too. I mean it doesn't take much more than a dumbass to realize that only their black players make it in the NBA, I mean look at Christian Laettner and Bobby Hurley and compare them to Grant Hill, although Grant Hill has proven himself to be soft and fragile, he would still be the best pick over those other douchebags.

So my picks for the final four are Florida, Texas A&M, Georgetown, and UCLA, why because they dont rely on their white players and they play like a group of John Amaechi's boyfriends. Anyways we we will see how everything goes, no one can predict this stuff anyways. I'm drunk and I'm gonna pass out now, shit I might puke.

*After realizing that I was really drunk last night when I wrote this, I had to revise this a little bit

Intro to THHY

2007-03-17T21:38:00.000-05:00

I'm drunk. I thought that would be a good way to kick off our blog, because most of our posts will be made under less than ideal conditions. We're gonna talk about sports mostly, and anything else we feel like ranting about like Bill Simmon's wife does. Anyway, it's gonna be me, Black Jesus and Shawn Mc on here for now. We might add some authors, we might not. Who the fuck knows? We wanted to get set up before the tournament but we got too drunk this last week. We'll be back tomorrow with our analysis.